Study: Liberals Out Booze Conservatives

Published in the Journal Of Wine Economics professors Pavel Yakovlev and Walter P. Guessford of Duquesne University say there's a direct correlation between political belief systems and the level of alcohol consumption.

Left wing dominated states like California drink three times more alcohol per head than the drinking in conservative states like Arkansas and Utah.  The study lines up with data collected comparing socialist countries with western democracies.  Socialists drink so much, so often, their countries also lead in liver cirrhosis and alcohol blindness.

So what's going on?  The professors have two theories.

Either liberals view boozing and drug taking as 'hip' and socially acceptable or liberals are so calloused they think they get away with the damage and be cared for by a government health-care program down the road.

Liberals are child-like, right down to the temper tantrums. LIbbies hate cigarettes because that's what grandpa smoked, but defend marijuana to the death because that's what THEY do.  Despite both plants leading to lung cancer.  When the piper comes for the check government-sugar-daddy will cover it.

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Crest's Chocolate Toothpaste Debuts

Obesity is like an unstoppable rebel force so why not switch to chocolate toothpaste?

Procter & Gamble's line of Crest toothpaste called "Be" squeezes out flavors like Mint Chocolate, Vanilla and Lime.

How long do ya think before the NAACP accuses Crest of being racist?  You know, 'Be' dat chocolate toof paste, sistah.

Hey, everything's racist now-a-days didn't ya know?   After five years of race-guilting a new rule demands at least one black in each commerical.  Even sun tan lotion ads! 

Anyway, chocolate toothpaste is the last thing a ballooning bubble-butt America needs, but hey, that's never stopped companies from pumping out crap before - has it?

Wonder how long before Michelle Obama rails against the stuff?

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Flatulent Cows Blow Up Barn

Ninety German diary cows were blissfully standing in puddles of their own pee munging on alfalfa piles huddled and out of the cold in a barn.  Then it happened...

All the chewing and mooing and anxious thoughts of eventually being herded outside were generating a lot of methane.  Suddenly a cowbell contacted a metal railing and the subsequent spark of static electric discharge sparked the foul-smelling cloud.

The cow's accumulated farts exploded like an M80 in a mailbox.  The fireball ripped through the wooden structure and liberated a large chunk of the roof.  All the windows went bye bye too.

The cows panicked and charged the barn door splintering it like box of toothpicks hitting a tiled floor. The barn was leveled yet miraculously just one cow was singed enough to require vet attention.

Which begs the question...who the hell leaves a hundred cows alone in a sealed barn full of farting bovines in the middle of winter and doesn't have the foresight to install a stout grounding rod?

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Smart Bra Detects True Love

The Japanese are disappearing because their young would rather stay inside and play video games than go out and find a suitable mate and start a family.  Technology is making them crazy.

So why not apply tech expertise to the unclasping of a bra?

Ravijour is the Japanese version of Victoria's Secret. The company just announced the “True Love Tester” bra which can only be undone by a person with the 'right' heart rate. The clasp on the bra sends a wireless message to a cell phone running an app that computes the heart rate of the 'grasper' thru their fingers.

Ravijour claims a particular heart rate over time indicates “love.” The bra doesn't just come off of course; the cups spring open like a pair of pop tarts flying out of a commercial toaster. All this happens when the 'right' guy with the 'right' heartbeat touches the thing.

Not gonna say it, you're just gonna have to use your own imagination on this one folks.

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Magnetosphere Flip Overdue

The Earth is surrounded by a powerful magnetic field generated by the swirling action of the molten iron core in the middle of the planet.  Most know the magnetosphere is critical to life on Earth.  And it's about to flip - that is, reverse polarity.

Over the past 200 years the intensity of the magnetosphere has weakened by 15%.  The 'flip' happens pretty regularly, about every three to five hundred thousand years - regularly on a geologic time scale.  And once the flip starts it takes about a thousand years to complete the cycle.

So what?

Well, it won't be a mass extinction event.  Life on Earth has survived the flip in the past.  But mankind was barely out of the trees when the last flip occurred.

Skin cancer will be a growth industry.  There will be massive and months at a time disruption to the electric power grid, crazy northern lights crackling across the whole planet day and night, extreme weather resulting from increased cloud formation, and an enlargement of the polar ozone holes.  All topped off when the North magnetic pole becomes the South magnetic pole after years of playing musical chairs (see picture above).  So forget air and sea navigation.

Is all this really about to happen?  Uh huh. Like the Caldera under Yellowstone, a 6-mile wide iron asteroid impact, and a worldwide pandemic thanks to the viral incubators in Asia - the flip is overdue.

Ironically, while the Global Warming alarmists are busy competing for whose catastrophe is bigger, just about everything else is getting ready to take a dump on everyone's pizza.

Global Warming Goon To Camp On Ice Berg

The Flat Earth Society began in 1956 and still has followers.  Members insist the Earth is a flat disc and the Sun and Moon are just 3,000 miles spinning above.  All 'science' attempting to postulate otherwise is a 'hoax' and a conspiracy intended to deceive the 'unsophisticated.'

Sound familiar?  The same language is used by those who say mankind's industrial activity is affecting the atmosphere as if a gold fish bowl were surrounding the planet trapping heat.  The polar caps are alleged to be melting resulting in catastrophic and rising sea levels. Scientific evidence suggesting otherwise is ignored and deemed a 'conspiracy' by greedy capitalists.

Last month trapped scientists from Russia were on a mission to report on the decline of polar ice, but became trapped in the record ice flows instead.  The episode cast light on the folly of climate change fanatics.  And pissed off Italian self-hypnotist and global warming cultist Alex Bellini.

Bellini is jumping on a chunk of Arctic ice next year to 'prove' icebergs are melting. “For me it’s a time to act, I will be alone.” Not entirely alone; the ice rider will be visited by left-wing writers, bloggers, and other cultists who are signing up to form a team of virtual global warmingists to make sure the world pays attention to the lunatic.

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Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Flag Defacers Get Bread And Water

Make no mistake the toughest sheriff in town is Joe Arpaio of Arizona's Maricopa County.

Joe's even under attack from Eric Holder because he takes prisoners in the war on illegals.  Too many coming across?  Joe builds his own jails - out of tents and using prisoners themselves to put them up.

Joe wants the inmates to behave and he wants them to appreciate the American taxpayers funding their stay.  So he handed out American flags to the inmates.

When some of them started to tear them up, throw them in toilets, write on them, and in general show disrespect for the symbol of the country Joe returned the favor and put flag perps on bread and water for a week.

Joe augments his staff of 600 overseeing 8,000 lawbreakers with military vets.  So to honor them and impress upon the inmates just where they are Joe plays the "Star Spangled Banner" over the jail intercom each morning.

Cruel and unusual punishment?  Oh, you betcha say the anti-American liberal pukes infesting the country.  But Joe says if illegals crossing the border don't like the flag or the tune, then they can choke on a little bread and water for a week and ponder who's their daddy.

If Joe does decides to run for Arizona governor patriots should move to the besieged state long enough to qualify to vote for him - he's one of the good guys.

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Warning: Caramel Color Causes Cancer

Yet another cry wolf cancer scare?  Maybe.

For those hooked on colas and caramel colored soft drinks Consumer Reports says the concoctions with 4-methylimidazole will grow a tumor in your gut the size of a goiter.

Which begs the first question; how come the FDA or the CDC doesn't figure this stuff out first?

Then the second question; will an obese nation hooked on sugary drinks take the hint?  Nah - remember, everyone gets 'free' meds under Obamacare so let party like it's 1994 baby.

"...(4-methylimidazole) definitely causes cancer in animal studies. The International Agency for Research on Cancer has also classified 4-MEI as a possible human carcinogen,” Dr. Urvashi Rangan noted.

Sugary drinks are already a ticket to diabetes and obesity, but isn't it extra special that cancer can now be counted as a good reason to give up the crap?  Pepsi has more of it than Coke, and Malta Goya a Mexican soda has 300 micrograms of the toxin ready to take up residence in your liver.

Today it's a cold cool Pepsi on a hot summer's day...tomorrow it's a hot-shot of hair killing chemo in a cold intensive care ward.

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Toughest Mother On Earth

Did you see the 100,000 people in DC yesterday marching against abortion?  Did you hear about it?  No.  Why? You know why - the secular pukes that pretend to be journalists agree with abortion.

Contrast the whining, sniveling, smarmy attitudes western women have toward kids with a family living in Northern India.

The expectant mom made a nine day forty-five mile trek at eleven thousand feet across frozen rivers and slippery rock in minus three degrees to get to the nearest hospital to birth her kid.

And then packed the newborn up and made the walk back a few days later.

Icelandic photographer Tom Vollmer was with friends up in the same mountains when he spotted the family. ‘For me its just incredible, how easy and how much help we get in the western world to give birth in comparison - when you saw this little child and baby, how cold they have been, what they have to do,’ Tom noted.

Life is a helluva lot cheaper in the USA, huh folks?  Wonder if Oprah will have this mom on for an interview?

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Anti-Fracking Protestors Chained To Wrong Gas Pumps

Under Obama the EPA is the junkyard dog unchained.  Today we discovered the agency exchanging direct emails with the Sierra Club using them as proxies to screw with the Keyston Pipeline.

Despite the horrific over-reach to kill energy in the USA - oil production has reached levels finally freeing the country of Saudi oil. There's even enough extra to make cash selling supplies to the Chinese.

And the natural gas boom in the Dakotas is practically an 1849 California gold rush thanks to fracking. And man do the greenie goons hate fracking too.

Four members of an anti-fracking group in the UK were arrested after chaining and gluing themselves to gas pumps they thought were owned by the Total oil company they despise.

The problem?  The pumps they attached themselves to are owned by Certas Energy - a company not involved in fracking.

The owner of the gas station says he lost thousands of dollars in lost sales and has damage to his equipment thanks to the four morons now glued to bunks in a Brit jail somewhere.

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NY Cuomo Threatens Conservatives

Gov. Andy Cuomo is a spitting left-wing slob who pronounced a few days ago that if you live in New York and are pro-life, pro-gun, or pro-marriage you - 'Have No Place In The State'

Sorta like when Hitler told the Jews to get out. The ones that didn't believe Adolf as we all know paid a big price for not paying attention.

Remember Cuomo was the young ass-wheel Urban Development secretary under Clinton that crafted and implemented between 1997 and 2001 what eventually became known as the subprime econ crash. Cuomo turned the FHA mortgage program into a sweetheart lender with sky-high loan ceilings and no money down, and he legalized what a federal judge has branded "kickbacks" to brokers that fueled the sale of overpriced and unsupportable loans (NINJA).

Of course New York rehired the limp-dick to run their state.   And it's no surprise New York City just hired a full blown Marxist Clintonista - Bill DeBlasio. The state is set to follow Detroit and California into the shitter.

So Cuomo is likely doing conservatives a favor demanding they leave. In fact, Sean Hannity took the bait and announced he's pulling up stakes...

Science: Sun Has 'Gone To Sleep'

Huh? After three decades of sweating Global Warming suddenly the sun winks and it's a big nevermind?

Richard Harrison of the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory in Oxfordshire, UK You remember the UK, the place were Global Warming is celebrated like the Earth is a giant Stonehenge and all the Brits are druids all over again.

Dick and Rutherford say the Sun is at a 100 year low. The two even refer to the Maunder Minimum, a time in 1645 when a mini ice age hit, freezing the river Thames.

Mike Lockwood at the University of Reading concurs noting that the lower temperatures could affect the global jet-stream, causing weather systems to collapse. 'We estimate within 40 years there a 10-20% probability we will be back in Maunder Minimum territory,' Mike said.

NASA notes 2013 year was supposed to be the year of 'solar maximum,' the peak of the 11-year sunspot cycle. It didn't happen. 'Sunspot numbers are well below their values from 2011, and strong solar flares have been infrequent,' NASA observed.

So what? Well, remember Obama is busy unleashing his junkyard dog EPA on the energy industry under the mistaken and even malicious notion that the globe is still warming. But schizo Europe appears to be reversing their idiotic green agenda with a fracking frenzy now.

Ambien Zombies Arrested

Ambien is the number one prescription sleeping pill.  And the slumber drug has label full of warnings.

So when Robert Stewart, 45, stormed the Pinelake Rehab nursing home in Carthage, North Carolina and opened fire, killing eight people and wounding two his lawyers got him off citing Ambien as the culprit and not Bob.

Ironcially, Ambien replaced the now banned Halcion, which had been implicated in psychosis, suicide, and addiction.

How is Abien better than Halcion? Ambien's warning label says the drug may produce “abnormal thinking,” and “strange behavior,” but insists these are extremely rare.  And adds any anecdotal evidence of “sleep driving,” “sleep eating,” or “sleep shopping," are also rare and really just kinda quirky...

Since people are waking up to the sleep drugs problems coining the term "Ambien Zombies."  Nothing on the Ambien warning label refers to zombie behavior, but shouldn't the term "abnormal thinking" and "sleep driving" sorta serve as warning enough?

Smoking Moms Make Lesbian Babies

Ready for more hints why nature makes a homosexual?

Dick Swaab, professor of neurobiology at Amsterdam University, says drinking and taking drugs lower a child’s IQ. Bad enough.

But more remarkably he says synthetic hormones, amphetamines and smoking (including marijuana) increase the likelihood of girls being born lesbian or bisexual.

Dick says a baby boy with older brothers increases the chance the little guy will choose lighter loafers later in life. Dick theorizes the syndrome's linked to the mother’s immune system which ravages male hormones more ferociously with each newborn son in the litter.

Prof Swaab says research is pinpointing the role of genes, environment and what mom does during her pregnancy as co-important factors in making a gay world even gayer.

Muslim Women Don't Wear Makeup

Because what good is makeup when ya gotta wear a head-to-toe bedspread anyway?

A University of Michigan survey of seven Muslim countries - Tunisia, Egypt, Iraq, Lebanon, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Turkey revealed a range of attitudes regarding women's fashion.

Most countries want women to cover their hair with a traditional hijab, al-Amira or head scarf rather than cover their entire face with a full Burqa or Niqab.

But Lebanon and Turkey were fine with women letting their heads and face go naked - a kind of liberation for them. Iraq, Egypt and especially Saudi Arabia are still stuck in the 5th century freaking at anything more than a set of eerie eyes peering out a slit.

So unless you wanna look like cousin 'it' from the Adams family ladies while in Saudi Arabia or Iraq get fitted for the Burqa and maybe even bring a Niqab as a backup.

Or maybe just glue on a loud pink thong and a string top and jump into a pool in Florida instead.  And wait two weeks for Iran's nuclear bomb.

Sex Raises IQ

New research shows sex makes you smarter and improves memory.  Damn it!

But does that mean prostitutes are suddenly able to solve string theory equations and recite the entire IRS code from memory?  No.

But if true, it's like finding out chocolate cake and beer are as good for you as vegetables and high fiber grains.

Researchers at the University of Maryland got a bunch of rats to roll around in the lab then took them apart and weighed their brains.  Yea, like it was tough to get rats to mount each other.

Alas, blowing-up the brain requires actually having a lot of sex.

Apparently people already endowed with high IQs dabble less in the carnal arts than people with average IQs.  Somehow dummies must sense the deficit and indulge to catch up.

Just making more brain cells isn't enough, though. Ya gotta use the new cells - that is, ya gotta get off your rear and fill the cells with information like a new skill or tear into a new hobby like high energy physics.

And that makes it a full-circle-jerk doesn't it folks?  The good news is doing something free and fun leads to bigger brains, the bad news (as usual there's always bad news), requires hard post-coital work to take advantage of the sexual side-effect.

Harvey Weinstein: "NRA Will Wish They Weren't Alive"

Movie making thug Harvey Weinstein told Howard Stern on air, “I shouldn’t say this, but I’ll tell it to you, Howard, I’m going to make a movie with Meryl Streep, and we’re going to take this (the NRA) head-on. And they’re (the NRA) going to wish they weren’t alive after I’m done with them.”

Weinstein makes no secret of his near psychotic animosity toward gun owners. The growling goon rants, “I don’t think we need guns in this country. And I hate it, I think the NRA is a disaster area.”

Is that a threat of some kind? Howard asked him if he owned a gun and of course he crowed that he did not and never would. Cool beans Weinie baby, you have the right NOT to own a gun, did you know that?

Picture this guy rolling around at night grumbling to himself how the same constitution bestowing the right for women to kill kids in the womb also gives citizens the right to defend themselves with a firearm.

Harvey's a piece of work isn't he folks? He thinks he has some grand compelling, coercive magic power.  Put Streep into a cheesie trolling film and cast a spell over the country to the extent that people will say, “Gun stocks — I don’t want to be involved in that stuff. It’s going to be like crash and burn.”

You betcha Harvey. Oh by the way, who the hell are you anyway?

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Most Repulsive Man On Earth Looking For Love

A guy in Iran wants to meet you, ladies.  

Amou Haji hasn't washed in over 60 years due to a cleanliness phobia.  Amou's favorite meal is rotten porcupine so if you can cook that you already have a leg up on the competition.

When Amou comes in from a rough day in the desert he likes to pack a pipe full of camel dung, lay back, and take a smoke that fills the tent with a smell that would gag a dead-man.  But hey, we can't all be Tom Selleck.

Amou lives alone, for now at least.  At night he sleeps in a hole about the size of a grave he says keeps 'things' off of him.  But Amou is offering to widening the hole for any would-be mate interested in matrimony.  

After a lifetime alone, Amou says he's ready to find 'Miss Right.'   Amou is 80, though so don't expect a lot of years together. 

Oh, as an added bonus? Amou also holds the record for the longest any human being has gone without a shower, bath or hose down by a fire department.  So there's that too.

Wells Fargo's $5 Deposit Charge

Get ready for the next insult from banks, folks.

A woman in Florida got a letter from Wells Fargo stating: “Effective April 7, 2014, the fee for deposited U.S. or foreign currency denominated international items, including drafts, will be $5.00 per item.”  At first blush this sounds like it's more about international transactions - but hang on sloopy.

The Florida woman jumped on the phone;  “I called their (Wells Fargo) 800-869-3557 Texas call center...customer service rep Adelina informed me that whenever I will make a deposit of my paycheck or anything I will be charged $5.00.”

The lady closed her account of course, but will she have anywhere else to go?  Will any of us?

Should banks get the bone-headed idea they'll start charging a fee just for putting money in the bank why do we need banks at all?  Interest rates are far lower than a $5 fee for a deposit.  It's cheaper to stuff it under the mattress...

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Alzheimer's 5-Question Home Test

Can you pea in a bier bottle without poring over?  Or will pea dowsing your genes make you whale and mown like an enfant child?

Trouble with the sentences?  You are either autistic or worse.  And you may be starting down the road to Alzheimer's and spending the rest of your days being able to hide your own Easter eggs.

But there may be hope.Take the easy-peezy 5-question test shown above (click the image).

Over 1,000 people aged 50 and over were given the test. Shockingly 28% of had cognitive impairment, a mild loss of mental function.  Some 95% of people who don't have memory or thinking problems will slam dunk the test.

The pros say the test doesn't diagnose Alzheimer's but if you take and fail or have trouble with the test it may give a hint trouble is on the way.

So why wait, Phyllis. You got five minutes doncha? Phyllis? Hello????

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