Tragic Tale Of Stuckie The Mummified Dog

Stephen King could not invent a story more intriguing.

Georgia loggers sawed the top off a Chestnut tree and loaded it onto a truck.  One of the men spied something odd.  Peering down the hollow center of the trunk, there staring eerily back was the perfectly mummified remains of a dog; a sardonic grin frozen on the canine's face still bared in a fight for survival.

Experts say it's a hunting dog from the 1960s.  The ancient chase likely for a squirrel starting through a hole in the roots, ending up high in the center of the hollow tree.  The higher the dog crawled the narrower the tree became until the dogs body wedged solidly.

But how after fifty years are we witness to this Canis Passion Play?

Chestnut oaks contain tannins.  The primary substance used in taxidermy to halt decay.  Over time, the tree's tannins seeped into the dog.  The cozy cavity kept moisture and  scavengers from ruining the process.

Loggers started calling him “Stuckie."  Feel ghoulish?  Find Stuckie at the Southern Forest World museum in Waycross, GA.  Take the whole family...it'll be a howl.

Woman Arrested After Watching Wedding Crashers

Jaymee Cruz, 31, was arrested on felony counts of distributing noxious or deleterious food.   She told the cops she got the idea after watching Wedding Crashers.

Jaymee wanted to get sole-custody of a kid she had with her fiance.   So she dumped a bottle of Visine in his soda to disable him long enough to kidnap the kid and presumably, somehow that would lead to a custody hearing in her favor.

Remember Vince Vaughn squirting Visine into Bradley Cooper’s coffee? Cooper spent the rest of the movie strapped to a toilet evacuating nuclear powered diarrhea...

So now Jayme gets a court date and loses her kid.  Thanks alot Vince.

Man Tells Cop Coke On Nose Not His

Fabricio Tueros Jimenez, 20 was busted in Florida at a traffic stop with 250 grams of marijuana, 13 Xanax pills, and his nose covered in cocaine.

Jiminez swore he never saw the drugs before and adamantly insisted the white powder all over his nose was also someone else's...

Jimenez’s schnoz was swabbed, surprise!  Tested positive for coke. The cops searched his body, surprise!  A LOT more coke was found.

Looks like Fabricio got some 'splain'n in court to do now.

102 -Year-Old Killer Arrested

A 102-year-old woman confessed to killing her 92-year-old roomie in a French retirement home in Chézy-sur-Marne, France.

The post-mortem exam determined the victim was dispatched by  "strangulation and blows to the head."

The 102-year-old was "in a very agitated state, confused, and told the carer that she had killed someone", the cops claim.

Given the bizarre nature of both crime and suspect extensive psychiatric tests have been ordered to determine whether she's delusional or doomed.  Let's face it, at her age ten hours may be a life sentence.

Teeming Colonies Of Mites Infesting Humans

Demodex brevis are tiny, ugly, nasty, hideous, Godless creatures that live at the base of hair follicles on your face and nipples.

They feed on skin cells and swarm in nightly sex orgies breeding massive mite colonies.  All while you sleep.

Out-of-control outbreaks can lead to acne and worse.  and when they die the mite-carcasses release the bacteria behind rosacea.

The cure?
  1. Bathe or shower hourly.
  2. Use non greasy lotions, sunscreens and body lubes.
  3. Loofa dead skin cells like your life depended on it.
  4. Drip hot candle wax on sensitive areas and don't go outside
  5. Wear a hazmat suit to bed after pouring kerosene on your nipples.
  6. Stay away from the homeless and India
  7. Give up and accept them like an alien life-form that will only die when you do.
The good news?  There is no good news.  But just remember, these are only a few of the creatures calling your body home. Next week we'll talk about what's thriving under your fingernails, between your toes and in your intestines.

Eyesight Saving Sunglasses In Bed

Researchers at the University of Amsterdam determined wearing sun glasses in bed filtered out blue light from cellphones, computer screens, and tablets.

Last year a study at Ohio's Toledo University found blue light from digital devices triggers production of a toxic chemical that kills light-sensitive cells, speeding up Macular Degeneration!

Begging the obvious.  Is pillow-planting a pair of expensive Maui Jim's the answer?

Well now Dutch researchers are studying whether just turning off the devices will have the same eye-salvaging effect.  So inquiring minds wanna know, why didn't the geniuses study turning the crap off at the same time they studied wearing the sun glasses to bed?

Hello?

Large Testicles Linked To Infidelity

Just as Darwin noticed the male peacock's tail was too flashy and large for flight...the tail evolved, instead, to compete for females.

Size matters for deer and elk too.   Antler size...the more robust the rack the more doze be diddled.

But what about Simians (apes, monkeys and of course, humans.)  Well, it's all about gargantuan gonads, folks.  Easy for gorillas and monkeys who walk around all day with their junk in full view.  But humans?

Ah ha!

That's where infidelity rears it's ugly head.  Males with big balls cheat; the theory being, how else would women get a good look and be willing to steam some undies?

So no need to track him down, ladies.  If he's packing, strap an ankle tracker on the wander-luster.  Or stay stuck sticking to an inseminater with tinier goodies and less risky impulse control dangling between his legs.

Woman Pushes Old Man Off Bus Gets Murder Charge

Las Vegas 25-year-old Cadesha Bishop was just charged with murder after pushing an old man off a city bus and killing him.

And the whole thing was caught on camera.

Police say Bishop was “yelling and cursing” at passengers on the bus when Serge Fournier, 74, asked her to “be nice.”

Bishop's response was to forcefully shove the old man off the bus and watch him crash to the pavement.  Fournier suffered head injuries and a “crushed hip.”

The Clark County Coroner determined Fournier died of “complications of blunt force torso injuries” and ruled his death a homicide.

Drunken Lawn Jockey Crashes Cop Car

Floridian Gary Anderson, 68, got loaded and got behind the wheel of his riding lawn mower and crashed it into a parked cop car.
 
The cop rushed out and confronted Anderson who quickly gave up and said “fuck it, I’m drunk, take me to jail.”

Once at the station, Anderson had a change of "fuck it, I'm..." and refused to take a breathalyzer test.  Worse, the drunken mower rider started ranting about the cops poisoning him.  

So he was re-piled into another cop car and taken to a hospital for a blood test.  You guessed it, the sot had a .241, three times the legal limit.  And as an added bonus, cocaine turned up too.

After Anderson finds $3,000 bucks for his bond and gets his mower out of impound, he is gonna get his day in court.  And he'd be ill-advised to repeat his, "fuck it, I'm guilty, take me to jail" wisecrack.   Not unless he's looking for extra jail time.

Parrot ‘Taken into Custody’ After Warning Drug Dealers of Raid

Federal police in Teresina, Brazil were about to bust two drug kingpins when a parrot inside the house screeched, “Mum, the Police!” in Portuguese.

Despite the bird's best efforts, the cops arrested the pair. Also seized were large quantities of heroin, weapons and cash.  Oh yea, and the officers also took the parrot into custody.

“So far it hasn’t made a sound … completely silent,” says local vet Alexandre Clark, who was brought in to interrogate the animal.  So the cops are transferring the feathered perp to a zoo where it will be taught to fly and be paroled back into the wild.

In 2008, cops captured two alligators following a raid in western Rio de Janeiro.  Apparently the drug barons fed their enemies to the animals.  So the man-eating reptiles had to be destroyed.

Drug trafficking is a major problem in Brazil and so apparently are the pets the traffickers train and keep.

Doctor Warns Women About Garlic

Dr. Jen Gunter, OBGYN warns women to stop cramming garlic into their hoo-hooz in a misguided attempt to squish yeast infections.

The good doctor says, "Garlic contains allicin, in the lab it may have anti-fungal (i.e. anti-yeast) properties. This is in a lab, not even in mice. Just a dish of cells. Your vagina is not a dish of cells."

She says she is tired of digging chunks of garlic out of her patients.  And hearing them complain they smell like an Italian eatery. 

So there you go girls.  Just say no to garlic and yes to the proper prescribed medications made to say bye-bye to the burn, okay?

Car Jacker Pays With A Body Full Of Bullets

Lamar Thurman, 29 climbed into a parked car in front of a house with the engine running and drove off.  A six-year-old boy was sitting in the back seat.

Dad heard the car screeching away.   He shoved a handgun in his belt laid chase in another vehicle.

Thurman quickly crashed and tried to rabbit on foot.  Dad first tended to the boy, turned and opened fire on the fleeing perp.  Thurman was hit multiple times, dropped to the ground.

Thurman was later hospitalized in critical condition.  The boy was shaken but not injured.

Muslim Cleric's Video Touts Wife Beating

The video shows Abd Al-Aziz Al-Khazraj demonstrating how to "punish" a woman in accordance with Islamic law.

“This is a painless beating that does not leave bruises or cause bleeding...some wives like domineering and authoritative husbands. By nature, they like violent and powerful husbands."

"With some women, admonishing them and refraining from sharing their beds won't help. The only thing that helps with such women is beating. She needs to feel that you are a real man. That's her nature."

Did you see what Muslim terrorists did to Christians worshiping at an Easter service in Sri Lanka today?  A death toll of 207 and over 400 maimed.

Odd how the world once eradicated such crazed behavior in Germany and Japan but today seems somehow impotent to deal with Islamic extremists in the same way.

Son Sues Parents For Destroying Porn Collection

An Indiana man (nicknamed 'Charlie') has filed a civil suit against his parents for destroying an estimated $30,000 worth of personal pornographic films and other tawdry stuff.

Middle-aged Charlie moved back in with his parents after a costly divorce.  He agreed to do housework in lieu of rent.  After only ten-months a 'domestic situation' developed and his elderly parents kicked him out.

Charlie's parents took all of Charlie's personal stuff to his new digs.  Minus the porn collection, of course.

Charlie's dad explained the missing porn in an email: "We counted twelve-moving boxes full of pornography plus two boxes of 'sex toys' as you call them. We began that day the process of destroying them and it took quite a while to do so."

Charlie went ballistic and called the cops. But the cops found no wrongdoing and filed no report.  Charlie then sued his parents for double the stated value, $86,000 (the difference to cover pain and suffering, no doubt).

According to Charlie's dad, the destruction of the porn was an ancient threat made good.  Charlie was allegedly his high-school's porn pimp and at that time his dad told Charlie he would destroy any porn found in the home (even if it appeared decades later).

So far the only thing Charlie seems to be winning is a butt-load of humiliation as the rest of us are made privy to Charlie's tawdry tale and twisted set of priorities.

Smart Toys Targeted By Hackers

The “Teksta Toucan Electronic Toy” microphone and speaker can connect to any Bluetooth device such as a cellphone, home router or laptop computer automatically.

Hackers on the net have penetrated the microphone and use them to listen to conversations.  Hackers can also speak over the device directing kids to possibly get into trouble.

Soon Teksta Toucan will have robotic eyes too...oh joy!

Smart dolls “Calya” and “i-Que” are made using the same technology.  Hacking one, however can result in violating the Children’s Online Privacy Act in the USA. Still none have been blocked from or taken off the market. 

Got any in your house yet?

"Consent Condom" License To Rape?


Brazilian condom company Tulipán says their new "Consent Condom" packaging can only be opened by two people using four hands. 

Why a four handed condom?

The company says the requirement ensures the consent of all participants in any wanton carnal exploit about to occur...

The theory is laughable and dangerous, why?
  1. Rapists don't wear condoms.
  2. Change your mind?  Too late, you opened the consent box. 
  3. Arrive with the box already opened by you and your pals.
  4. Your girlfriend and you have two arms and two hands, right?
  5. Regret the sex later?  Your word against the consent box.
  6. Sweaty from foreplay?  See if two bystanders can help.
Is sex consent really getting this hard to get?  Just ask Brick Dollbanger, sex robot beta-tester.  Consent?  You gotta be kidding.

Bearded Men Harboring Bacteria Booby Traps

A study concluded at Switzerland’s Hirslanden Clinic made a critical and disturbing health-related discovery.

MRI scans of 18 bearded men and 30 dogs from random breeds revealed microbial counts on the bearded men far exceeding colonies camped-out on the dogs.

Clinic professor Andreas Gutzeit noted: “The researchers found a significantly higher bacterial load in specimens taken from the men’s beards compared with the dogs’ fur.”

Seven of the men were actually shown to have bugs hazardous to human health. The type and level of infestation would normal make them eligible for quarantining.

Upon hearing the bad news, Keith Flett, founder of the Beard Liberation Front, founded to promote facial hair complained, “There seems to be a constant stream of negative stories about beards that suggest it’s more about pogonophobia [the fear of beards] than anything else.”

You can't make stories like this up, folks.  And this one is no exception.

Wild Turkey Kills Motorcycle Rider

Medical personnel in hospital emergency rooms refer to motorcycles as 'donor-cycles.'

Despite heroic efforts, the rider-victims usually die and are usually young enough to yield some pretty usable organs; harvested while the bodies are still warm.

But a 70-year-old motorcyclist was killed after losing control of his bike when a twenty-five pound wild turkey slammed squarely into his chest.  The man's left leg was severed below the knee after striking a guardrail.

Paramedics managed to stabilize him well enough to make the ride to the hospital but he died anyway.

Dog Owners Happier Than Cat Owners

The well-respected General Social Survey asked questions about dogs and cats for the first time.  Why? Because 6 in 10 households own at least one.

Non-owners to owners seem the same in regard to general happiness.  But dog owners are twice as likely as cat owners to say they lead happy lives.

Why?

An older 2013 study found dog owners are more likely to go outside and make friendships.  Dog owners can also seek comfort from their pet in times of stress, more likely to play with them, and more likely to consider their pet a member of the family.

Cats by contrast are aloof, untrainable, and could care less about their owners.  The animals also carry some serious diseases such as cat scratch and human zombie virus.  And play host to a number of other parasites.

Since cat owners are less happy this news will no doubt anger and confuse them.  But lets face it...ever heard of a Canine Police cat?  A post-disaster rescue cat?  Seeing-eye cat?  Bomb sniffing cat? Or drug interdiction cat? Nope.

Teachers’ Unions Oppose Bill Making Sex with Students a Crime

Rhode Island is one of the few states where it's legal for teachers and other school employees to have sexual relations with the students.

RI HB 5817 would make such contact between teachers and students a crime.

The two largest teachers' unions, the NEA (National Education Association) and UFT (United Federation Of Teachers) sent emissaries to oppose the bill.

Teachers' unions are a big reason public schools are failing.  They protect incompetent teachers, oppose competition via school vouchers, push to drive up costs and lower standards.

Why would they oppose protecting kids from teacher predators?  Why indeed