Dummy's Path To US Citizenship

Since Obama hands out stay-in-USA-free cards who's gonna humiliate themselves flunking a US Citizenship test?

Well, legal immigrants wait years in long lines and study for, take and pass the 15 question test with at least a 60% score.

So why not make high school seniors born in the USA pass the test?

Michigan principals opposes the idea, sputtering: 'we...have a long-standing position that high school content standards need to be focused on career and college readiness.' So getting kids ready for college precludes the basics?

Here are the dreaded fifteen questions (click answers below).

1. How many amendments to the Constitution? 12, 27, 35 or 42
2. How long is a Senator's term? 4, 8, 6 or 10
3. Name the national anthem. America The Beautiful, Star-Spangled Banner, God Bless America
4. Which two are the longest rivers? Ohio, Missouri, Mississippi, Rio Grande
5. Who is Chief Justice? Hugo Black, John Roberts, Ruth Ginsberg, Antonin Scalia
6. What are first 10 amendments called? Bill of Rights, Ten Directives, Preamble
7. What Rights In First Amendment? To Vote, Freedom of Speech, Keep And Bear Arms
8. Why the Declaration of Independence? Womens Suffrage, Break With Britain, Frees Slaves
9. What is one purpose of the Constitution? Define Branches, Protect Rights, Establish Treaties
10. When was Eisenhower a general? WW I, Civil War, WW II, Crimean War
11. Name one state bordering Canada. California, Idaho, Ohio or Massachusetts
12. What was Cold War about? Trade Policy, Communism, Climate change, Slavery
13. Which country was an ally in WW II? Japan, Russia, Germany, Italy
14. What territory did USA buy from France in 1803? Alaska, Louisiana, California, Quebec
15. When was the U.S. Constitution written? 1776, 1812, 1787, 1789

DNC Debbie Spitting Mad, Again

The DNC queen of cockah and the ding-bat of disdain, disparagement, derogation, derision, disgruntlement and double-dealing duplicitousness is Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

Remember Debbie fingering the GOP as the 'party of no?" The slogan an attempt to deflect Obama and Reid's obstructions after the GOP 2010 midterm?

Voters ignored dumb Debbie and spanked the Democrats in 2014 anyway.

Leaving Obama delusional and defiant, Reid fired, Pelosi pouting, and Debbie threatening obstruction and aggressive filibustering!   So Debbie are the Democrats the party of 'poopie pants' now?

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Chef Suicidal Over Salt

Tormented you're not a one-percenter?   Irritated over Iran?

Try cheffing in Zhengzhou, China.

Chef Gang became suicidal after colleague chef Fang scolded the sensitive culinarian for half an hour in public over a salty dish.  So Gang bolted for a high-power tower coughing, cowering and crying 'till firefighters arrived.

Gang may not be the crappy cook Fang alleges, but Gang's gotta get out of the kitchen if he can't stand the heat..next time his Peking duck could get cooked in one of those towers.

Criminal Body Shape

Guess what?  Science can now identify criminals even years after they were videotaped in the middle of a crime!

Forensic research teams used eight body metrics developed at the University of Adelaide to correctly identify criminals - even through clothing.

The eight are height, length of the body from the hip bone to the feet, length of wrist to elbow, jaw line, pelvic width, chest width, face width and skull shape.

A forensic team tested the theory on 4000 US military personnel and proved the concept is as solid as a fingerprint.

TSA already scans people  Criminals fly commercial, right?

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Sharpton Hustling Oscars

Failing the Nazi Aryan litmus test one became Untermenschen and required extermination.

Fast forward to self appointed 'race hunters,' Obama, Holder, Farrakhan and Al Sharpton.  According to their doctrine the USA is full of racists. The fiasco in Ferguson their litmus test.

In the 'era of Ferguson' sayeth Al Sharpton, Hollywood must pay for not nominating a black for an Oscar this year.  Wonder if Al knows the Academy President is Cheryl Boone Isaacs, a black woman?

Why did George Soros blow $33 million to fund the Ferguson riots?    When will enough be enough?  So many questions, so little time...

 

Double Penis Execution

Has it been 20 years since Lorena 'Gallo' Bobbitt sliced off John Wayne Bobbitt's vagina miner?  Well if you missed the movie a woman in China just did the sequel.

Fan Lung, father of five made the crucial mistake of using wife Feng's cell phone to exchange juicy emails with concubine Zhang Hung.

So Feng pulled a Lorena and snipped off Fan's joystick in the middle of the night with a pair of scissors.

Surgeons were able to rewire Fan's wounded winkie. And that might have been the end, except... the still fuming Feng sneaked into Fan's hospital room and jerked-off Mr. Johnson a second time.

Feng feed it to the dogs...so the saga ends there...or does it?

Feng's in jail. Ms. Hung says she'll wed Fan as soon as he can wobble again.  And men worldwide are bracing for a third schmeckel sequel...

Death Of Business In USA

Why are a record 92 million people out of work?  Why are wages down and full-time jobs being lost? Why record debt, poverty and almost 50 million on food stamps?

Because for the first time in US history more businesses are dying than starting. And most of the damage has been on Obama's painfully incompetent watch.

Gallup CEO Jim Clifton says, “for the first time in 35 years, American business deaths now outnumber business births...when small and medium-sized businesses are dying faster than they’re being born, so is free enterprise...”

The good news, now we know why.  The bad news?  Now we know why.

Mexico's First Gay Marriage Halted

Senior and senior Víctor Manuel Aguirre and Víctor Fernando Urias tried to marry back in November, 2014 but a bomb scare at Mexico City Hall stopped them short.  So the pair took their plight to the Mexican Supreme Court.

With favorable decision in hand, Victor and Victor rented their tuxedos and packed up their flowers and finger food and trekked to Baja to take a second shot.

But Baja official Angelica Guadalupe Gonzalez Sanchez who conducts compulsory pre-marital interviews says the pair are 'too insane to wed' and 'suffer from madness' and refused to certify them.

Did you know gay sex was decriminalized in Mexico in 1871?  Seems like 144 years is long enough to wait, doesn't it folks?  Heck, all gays wanna do is be miserable like he rest of us!

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Driving While Woman

Who drives best, men or women?

The incontrovertible truth is women are better drivers than men.

There are two exceptions.  Woman abuse cell phones in traffic and do the one-handed lipstick trick more than men.

But when it comes to stepping on the gas, driving drunk, road rage, profanity, territory marking or just plain being a dick behind the wheel - men have no match in a female. 

Here are some fun facts to fester (source):

• 94% of all fatal or major bodily injury crashes: men
• 27% less likely to have an accident: women
• 15% lower insurance costs: women
• 3 to 1 DUI, reckless driving, seat belt tickets: men
• 2 to 1 speeding, stop signs, failure to yield: men

Some guys readily accept reality, others will want to get even...see what we mean?

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Bad Dog

The dictionary defines a dog as: a domesticated carnivorous mammal that typically has a long snout, an acute sense of smell, and a barking, howling, or whining voice.

So when Barky licks your leg, takes a dump on the yard furniture or tries to mount the cat you still feed him...after all he's got the IQ of a toaster oven, right?

Wrong.  Take a look at the flea-bag, left.  This one took a vacation inside mommies purse.  Not satisfied with tampons or other trinkets this little hair-ball managed to chew open a tube of red lipstick and sputter the contents onto himself and the cordovan leather couch.

So now what?

Russians Ban Transexuals From Turnpikes

Russia just banned transgender, transvestites, bigender, cross-dressers, hermaphrodites, pansexuals, and genderqueers from driving.

The Kremlin says those afflicted have "mental disorders" which increases the risk of car crashes.

Those bans make sense. But the commies also restrict "pathological gamblers" and "compulsive thieve's" from the roads. Which begs the question - how does one spot a "pathological gambler?"

Also, tangibly missing are Galactophiliacs (attracted to human milk), Klismaphiliacs (obessed with enemas), Harpaxophiliacs (sexual thrill from being mugged), Furries (into wearing cat costumes), and Pony Players (don't ask).

Lets face it folks, if you're gonna take trannies off the turnpikes why risk cat costume wearers weaving in and out of traffic?  And Russia wants to rule the world, as if...

President Scott Walker?

The next president will inherent Obama's mountainous, malignant messes.   Sure the job has perks but so does scooping dog shit in an all night animal shelter.

Who among us is both qualified and and masochistic enough to make the sacrifice?  How about an American patriot - Scott Walker!

Republican Walker is tough and has proven he can win large in a double-blue state.  In fact, he won three statewide governor's races in four years.  Remember the 2012 cage fight with Democrats and unions?

Gov. Walker just hired Rick Wiley a former RNC political director whose resume includes the campaigns of Rudy Giuliani in 2008 and George W. Bush's re-election in 2004. 

Most say Walker's walking the plank to the presidency will be longer than most, but Scott has heard that before, right?

Myth: Healthy Obesity

We live in an age of double-speak, myth making and revisionism. We also live in an age of obesity were some have contended being fat is fine, even healthy!

And for a while the factless, feckless, frantic fat frauds flirted with the fantasy.

But a new study at the University College London concludes: '...we can now see that healthy obese adults tend to become unhealthy obese in the long-term...'

The World Health Organization says obesity is responsible for 44% of global diabetes, 23% of heart disease and 41% of cancers.

So which part of heft and health are glued at the hip?

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Colds Come From Cold Noses

Remember how June Cleaver brow-beat the 'Beav' over his socks, plaid shirt, wool jacket, and pressed hankie?  Even on summer days?

Turns out June was wrong...the 'Beav' didn't get a cold from getting a chill, he got it from a rhinovirus rummaging around a cold nose.

The rhinovirus breeds in the schnoz at 91F! When your proboscis gets cold the rhinovirus rabbits down the back of your throat and sets up shop in your lungs. And since the immune system is lame and late recognizing the rhino-raid the 10-day train wreck we call a cold results.

The cure? Prevent beak temps below 91F...how you do that is your problem...we already gave you enough science for one day...

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10 Relationship Deal Breakers

Gwyneth Paltrow and her boy-toy parted ways after ten years and two kids. How did Gwynee know it was over?

"I really had the sense that I wasn't allowed to have needs, and I had to prove my specialness or self-worth by doing all this stuff and taking care of everybody else and I just sort of hit a wall."

Hit a wall? That's her end of the road?

Here are fifteen sure-fire ways to tell if you should get out:

1. Politics and religion are fatal forces to f**ck with...
2. You're pulling to hard on the sled slipping back down the hill...
3. When love leaves, respect and breakfast soon follow...
4. Verbal and/or emotional abuse suck the air out of the room.
5. Sex - no longer fun, no longer frequent, no longer happening at all...
6. Resentment and jealousy pave the road to Perdition.
7. Health habits and weight control get sloppier and stinkier...
8. Cheating, lying, stealing and cheating scorch the Earth.
9. Relentless belching, farting, jaw clicking and throat clearing dominate...
10. Money

Notice nowhere on the list is 'hit a wall.'  You fill in the final five...

Sheriff Supervises Spanking

Domestic abuse is a big problem in the USA.   The cops are expected to say who goes to jail and who gets the restraining order.  Worse, sometimes the officer gets shot trying to help.

Liberal social scoundrels use the explosive issue to meddle in standard child rearing practice - the use of spankings.

The unintended consequence? Responsible parents going to jail.  And their errant offspring grow up wild and feeling entitled - you know, like liberals' kids do.

A Florida dad called the sheriff New Years day to make sure the paddling of his 12-year-old daughter was proper and sanctioned.

Noel Sheriff is Sheriff of Okeechobee county who says: 'parents are seeking guidance on how to deal with their child. You are entitled to paddle your child, whether you use your hand, you use your belt or a paddle within reason as long as your paddling the buttocks.'

Sheriff Sheriff? Seriously?

Police Versus The Public

The NYPD have pretty much fired mayor Bill De Blasio and for good reason.  De Blasio wasted little time tossing New York's finest under a police van.

Last night police unions and the mayor had a kiss-and-makeup chat. De Blasio remains defiant and unapologetic.  So the cops are slow-rolling now.

Some people say police use too much muscle.  In 2013 there were 660,000 arrests.  Two arrests are causing all the hand-wringing.

SWAT teams wear converted military helmets, bullet proof vests, and ferocious firearms to subdue the extra bad guys.  But why is that a problem?  Don't we want perps cuffed and the police protected?

BulletSafe wants to replace military helmets with ballistic baseball caps.  The caps are lighter, cooler, and look less intimidating.  The company's crowd-funding the idea - so here's your chance to intervene in the battle between police image and police protection, folks.

CDC: Flu Epidemic Alert

Did you get a flu shot for H3N2?   If not, you are gonna get sick - really sick...

The flu season started on December 20th and already twenty-two states have over 2500 stricken - 15 dead kids among them...

Apparently H3N2 has mutated rendering the flu shot null and void.

So if you're over 65 or under 4 you better get a hospital bed lined-up...and even if you're between those ages exposure to schools kids, co-workers and other Walmart shoppers is a lock to five-solid days of down time.

On average flu kills about 24,000 Americans each year. This year the threat is somewhere north of that number.

Bill Cosby Hires Smear Soldiers

While the Cos has been getting laughs since 1962 he's also allegedly been date-raping since the 60s too. At least if you believe the two dozen plus ladies that claim he 'did it.'

Two dozen? Well Slate says there are twenty-seven to be exact. Which begs the question: how many alleged rapes does it take before the smoking gun turns out to have Bill's fingerprints on it?

Cosby and his wife says he didn't do it.  And the icon is allegedly paying a cadre of private-dicks six-figures to dig up dirt on his accusers now.

Is it possible to damn the guy based on the sheer number of rape accusers?  Or is it still required that at least one charge, indictment, arrest, conviction and/or sentence happen first?  Anyone?

Obamacare Suicide Watch 2015

The misnomer Affordable Care Act AKA ObamaCare has been in the wild for two years now.

Two seconds after Pelosi puffed no-need-to-read-the-phone-book-sized-screwup SCOTUS likewise failed to read the law and let it stand.

But 2015 is when all the poop hits the fan...

First up on Thursday the Obama delayed ninety-nine or more employee-employer mandate kicks corporate America in the ball-sack.

Also expiring on Thursday are the Obamacare Medicaid payment bonuses paid-out in 2013 and 2014. That was money stolen from Medicare.

Then sometime in May or June SCOTUS gets a second chance to redeem itself when it applies the nifty suicide-bomber Obamacare language affecting 80% of the 6 million that have enrolled who need a subsidy to keep their insurance. The 34 states that didn't set-up an exchange don't owe the money, apparently.

Stay tuned, the train-wreck that is Obamacare is getting a couple of atomic wedgies in 2015 folks.