Woman Pleads 'No Memory' Raping A Man

Chantae Marie Gilman is 28 and has a $100,000 bail nut to crack after being charged with raping a sleeping man after a party.

The 31-year-old 'man' said he went home after attending a neighbors birthday soirée around 10pm.  By 2 a.m., he opened his eyes and found Gilman squirreling around on top of him, pinning his hands down over his head, according to the charges.

The man told Gillman to get off.  But she allegedly refused commanding him to 'be quiet.'  Gilman told the cops she has 'no memory' of being in the man’s home or having sex with him.  She says she suffers from bipolar disorder and psychosis.

It's the bizarro world folks...that's not my booty on that man's Johnson because I'm psychotic!

Illegal Pete's Runs Afoul Of Word Cops

Boulder based burrito brandisher Pete Turner is baffled.

Illegal Pete's wants to expand into Fort Collins.  But residents demand the business' name change first.

The name Illegal Pete's, Pete said, is a literary reference to a bar in a novel he read as an English major in Boulder and to his own name, of course.

But  Fort Collins word cops say no cigar.  No one is gonna peddle pinto beans in their town with the word 'illegal' in the business banner.   Maybe they would prefer Pete change the name to Undocumented Pete's?

High School Seniors Get Gun Okay

Nebraska's Broken Bow School Board voted to allow seniors to include firearms in their senior photos.  So why would any student want to pose with a gun?

School board president Ken Myers said: "We have a 1 Box Shooting Club, a great trap range and sporting clays range. A lot of youth are interested in that so that brings up firearms..."

Wanna bet liberal teachers in California and New York are mulling a lawsuit to try and block Nebraska kids right now?  After all, shooting trap is far more barbaric than teaching seniors how to abort a kid, right?

Radiation Blocking Boxers Debut

Just in time for Christmas comes Belly Armor's radiation blocking boxer shorts called 'RadiaShield'. 

The foray into the men's department seemed like a natural since there's an apparent imperative “to protect men’s reproductive organs and maintain fertility health.”

Belly Armor spokeswoman Katherine Niefeld says men haven’t been asking for protection — that is, against radio waves — down there because they don’t know they need it!

Ah, ha!  So the homeless guys with tin-foil hats were right after all?  The government...

High Tech Orgasm Trainer

Will women want a witheringly weariful orgasm whatsit?  A Swedish sex toy company is betting on it...

The LELO LUNA isn't just another $109 pretty face.  The theory behind the 'pink pleasure bead' is muscle training.  The thumb shaped LELO perches just where it needs to be ready to plunge 'users' into orgasmic Valhalla.

Women don't even have to have sex to get there either.

According to the experts at LELO 'vaginal muscles are like any other part of your body: they need exercise to perform at their best.'   Sure, uh huh - oh oh yes they dooooo...

Remote Control Birth Control

Bill Gates wants the world to have better condoms and bullet-proof birth control devices.  Frankly, he's right...

The better mousetrap super-condoms will placate the pesky problem of STD profusion.  Love is cleaner with a wrapped wiener as they say in the trades...

But what about unwanted, unintended, unplanned and unaffordable pregnancy?  The carnage of abortion and the viscous cycle of poverty are results of haphazard and indiscriminate sex.

Gates is placing a bet on a new device being developed at MicroCHIPS of Lexington, MA.  Sixteen years worth of levonorgestrel is implanted in a female's butt or abdomen.  The beauty part is the device has a remote control allowing the 30mg dose to be shut-off without removing the implant.

How would such a device affect abortion and poverty rates?  How about forced implantation in teens?

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School Slaps 'Safety Contract' On 5-Year-Old

The Smoking Monkey weekend award goes to E.R. Dickson school in Alabama.

The knee-jerk jerks at the school forced a 5-year-old little girl to sign a 'Mobile County Public School Safety Contract' in which the child promised to 'not kill or injure herself or others, without her presence or consent [of mom].'

What was the infants crime?  The school says she drew a picture of a gun with a crayon and then pointed the crayon at another child and said 'pew pew.'

The problem for school officials?  Alabama state law disallows a child to enter into a contract.  The school officials also intimidated and coerced the child without her mother present.  If mom is smart, she'll sue the school district and go after the PC horses-asses needing to be fired.

Oh, but not before they're forced to stand in front of the whole school and have the victimized child point her tiny little finger at them and say simply, 'pew pew.'

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Barber Cuts Customer's Throat

Old style men's barber shops are relics of the past.  Chain hair cutting joints don't use barber chairs or straight razors anymore. But maybe that's not a bad thing...

Vic's Barber Shop in Imperial Beach, CA is the go to spot for real haircut and and a full service up-close-and-personal hot-toweled lathered-up shave.

Newly minted barber 22-year-old Daniel Flores decided to leave the profession Monday when he slashed 33-year-old Timothy Paul Vaughn throat several times with his straight razor and then ran out of the shop in great haste.

Flores was cuffed and his razor taken. Vaughn says he'll go back to shaving himself from now on...

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Ebola Airborne?

Obama brought Ebola to the USA.

How long before, or has Ebola already become an airborne killer?

CIDRAP at the U of Minnesota gave a report to the CDC yesterday:

We believe there is scientific and epidemiological evidence that Ebola virus has the potential to be transmitted via infectious aerosol particles.'

The two nurses in Dallas both got their infections from 'patient zero' the Liberian Thomas Eric Duncan.  They likely got infected thru their surgical masks; a device made inadequate if Ebola is airborne.

The blame game is in full gear.  And Obama is cancelling fund raisers.  You know, because he wants to keep leading the charge from behind...

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NIH budgets are up 70% since 2000

NIH budgets are up 70% since 2000

Escaped Parrot Terrorizes Torrance

British national Darren Chick moved to California and settled down with an African Grey parrot he unsurprisingly named 'Nigel.'   Parrot Nigel learned English quickly, the bird even had Darren's British accent.

Then in 2010 the parrot flew the coop.  And Darren resigned himself to life without Nigel.

Meanwhile, back in the wild...Nigel was winging it around town and ended up in Julissa Sperling's backyard.  Julissa was inundated with British banter from Nigel and figured the ponderous parrot had an owner.  So she scanned the classifieds and found vet Teresa Mico's parrot search.

Mico grew suspicious after finding a microchip in Nigel.  Darren Chick was getting his feathered friend back, except...  Nigel had dumped his British accent and picked up Spanish from Sperling who also happens to be Panamanian.

Bueno Darren, puedo obtener una galletas o qué?

Democrats Blame GOP For Ebola

How will Democrats deflect blame for Obama bringing Ebola to the USA?

Easy.

Hire the nasty radical left-wing jack-boots at The Agenda Project to spin and deflect Obama's refusal to stop flights from Ebola countries.  Even better, shift blame the GOP by implying budget cuts to the NIH is the culprit instead.

Oh, did we mention NIH budgets are up 70% since 2000?   The Democrats are lousy with this kind of crap folks, spank them well on November 4th.

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Gender Cops Seize Nebraska Schools

The general assault on traditional family values is underway in schools nationwide.  Even in Nebraska.

School administrators in Lincoln issued '12 easy steps on the way to gender inclusiveness,' step 2: 'Don't use phrases such as ”boys & girls," ”you guys,” ”ladies and gentlemen," and similarly gendered expressions to get kids’ attention.'

So how are the teachers ordered to refer to the kids?  How about, 'Instead say things like ”calling all readers," or ”hey campers" or "could all of the athletes come here."

And more laughably, 'Create classroom names and then ask all of the ”purple penguins" to meet at the rug.'

What's this really about?  Did you guess Tranny Training?  That's right, the kids lose their gender identity because of the alleged and widespread (must be at least 1 in 100 million) incidence of transgender bullying.

800 Pounder Sets Crematorium Ablaze

Southside Cremation Services in Richmond, Va, took delivery of an 800 pound cadaver yesterday morning and began the heavy lifting required to conflagrate the corpse.  

But by noon the horrendous heat generated from flash frying so much body fat all at once was too much for the oversized ovens and the roof exploded in flames.

After the fire dept cleaned up, Southside manager Jerry Hendrix offered the family this consolation prize, “There was no damage to the body that would not be normal; it remained within the retort and we are about to proceed with the remainder of the cremation.”

No roof?  No problem!  The family is gonna get their 100 pound sack of ashes anyway...

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Detroit Homeowner Swaps House For iPhone

Democrats took over Detroit in 1961.

Between then and now the city has been transmuted into a twisted tartan of heinous housing and an uninhabitable infrastructure chiefly the result of a string of stinging blunders leading to bankruptcy.

So how bad has Motor City declined?

Witness a Detroit real estate listing:  Homeowner will swap a two-story brick colonial on Detroit’s east side for a new iPhone 6 or a 32gb iPad.

True, there was a Chinese guy offering to swap a kidney for an iPhone.  But, hey, that would still leave him with one!

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Hooch As Addictive As Heroin

Grim news weed weenies.

Professor Wayne Hall, science adviser to the the World Health Organization, says regular Cannabis use leads to mental illness, impaired driving ability and lower educational success.

Professor Hall discovered a double risk of schizophrenia and other severe psychiatric effects.  The 20 year study revealed an astonishing one in six teenagers and one in ten adults who puff the magic dragon get hooked.

Yes folks, hooked as in hooked on heroin, not hooked on phonics. 

Ah reefer madness...what was that?  You don't give s shit?  Okay, have fun hydro head...but don't say you weren't warned....

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Lady Parts Renovation Creme

The weekly Smoking Monkey award goes to Little Genie Productions.  Why?

For peddling the vagina shrinking product '18 Again' they promise will make older women 'feel younger and sexier' all for a paltry $24.99!

Oh but wait...men can get in the game too.  Hott Products has a $6.30 creme ready made for Mr. Johnson.  Not to worry, it makes her shrink, not you dude.

Not all customers are shriveling it seems.  One woman says she's still as big as a bus and got both a bladder and yeast infection as a double-extra bonus.

So there's that too...

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Cancer Sniff Test

Take a good long whiff of some fresh fish, rose, leather, orange, and peppermint. Can you tell them apart?  If not, then you have five years to live.
 

A poor sense of smell raises the odds of death more than what established medical tests for cancer and heart disease may indicate.
 

U of Chicago researcher Jayant Pinto said: ‘Of all the human senses, smell is the most undervalued and unappreciated – until it’s gone.’

Let's sum up, If you can't tell the difference between your sweat soaked socks and your seriously soiled underwear then you probably have terminal cancer.  

Sure it's not funny. Neither is the idea of people sitting around with their faces buried in their underwear...

Viagra Makes You Go Blind?

Remember your parents warning you masturbation leads to blindness?  Then you did it anyway and you didn't go blind? 

Well a new study in Australia seems to be going after the one drug that was giving old guys another shot at parking the beef bus into tuna town - Viagra!

Researchers at U of New South Wales fed sildenafil (the punch in Viagra) to mice and found dead cells in their eyes. Dr Lisa Nivison-Smith warns, 'If cells actually die in the retina that would lead to blindness.'

Proving once again, if it's free and it's fun it's gotta eventually cripple or kill ya...

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