F-Word From NAACP

Six girls at Desert Vista High School did an instagram spelling out  “N-I-*-*-E-R” on their tee-shirts.  They got 5-days at home.

So NAACP Don Harris hopped over spank them too, “This hurtful use of a racial slur is a complete disregard for the dignity of the black community...the punishment does not fit the...crime.”

Wow...the death penalty?  Really?

Later Harris was caught on camera saying Channel 12 reporter Monique Griego had “nice tits.”

Caught with his pants down Harris whined, “[I'm] down in the dumps...I apologize if anyone was offended. I could have said nothing . . . I’m really fucking sorry.”

Yep go get a rope....let's get this over with...

Flavored Farting Shields

One of the last intractable, fractious problems facing mankind is the fetid, foul-smelling, funky evil expulsion of intestinal gas.

But hope is on the horizon and over at Amazon.

From the geniuses at Flat D Innovations comes the Flat D Flatulence Deodorizing Pad.   Other items frequently bought with the pads are a bag of 'Subtle Butt' charcoal filters and year's supply of Preparation-H.

The product does have a few restrictions, so make sure to read and understand the warning labels before placing them in your shorts or panties and close to your ass:

• Due to health and safety, this item is non-returnable.
• Doctor-recommended (don't use near open flame).
• Washable and reusable dependent on severity of incident.
• Pad is thin and yet covers the majority of the danger zone.
• Includes double-sided FOUF tape. Farting Of Unusual Force.

And forget asking how we find these things...

Homeless iPhone Panhandler

Homeless 'Honest Abe' Hagenston has been living under Detroit's 8 Mile overpass on I-75 for seven years.

Abe will shovel snow for cash but this year there's no snow.   So, Abe organized other homeless 'like a union' to panhandle in shifts.

Don’t have change? No problem, Abe says, “I take VISA, MasterCard, American Express.”   You see, Abe has a square reader attached to his iPhone.

Abe doesn't say how many have used his credit card swiper.  But one wonders...why can't Abe's tech saavy and resourcefulness land him a real job?

Megyn Kelly Fell Down

And apparently isn't woman enough to stand up again.

Megyn regurgitated the food fight between the jack-booted man-hater Rosie O'Donnell and the bull in the China shop Donald Trump.

Either Ms Kelly doesn't know the difference between the 'pig' Rosie and a 'real' woman, or she does and is too stubborn to admit she got hypocrisy poop stuck on her spiked heels.

So while Megyn makes the story about her instead of the candidate she's proving the Peter Principle applies - and is rising to her level of incompetence.

While Roger Ailes refuses to mentor the errant 'reporter' FoxNews is rendered 'unFair and imBalanced.'

112 Year Old Chain Smoker

Batuli Lamichhane, 112, says she’s been fisting and sucking on 30 ciggies a day for 95 years. 

Batuli puffs, “I don’t really care how old I am, but I am old nonetheless. I have seen a lot of things change during my lifetime.”

She turns 113 in March.

The world’s oldest is a 116-year-old Brooklyn woman, Susannah Mushatt Jones.  No doubt she's a bacon boffing, cigar puffing, whiskey whistling, cookie chomping roof sitter pigging out on pork rinds and twinkies 8 hours a day...

World Record Cat House

Lynea Lattanzio, 76, lives in a trailer on 6 acres with 1,100 cats. 

Lattanzio says, “I’m at the top of the list of eccentric cat ladies - I don’t think there has been anyone who has lived with 28,000 cats in 24 years."

Lattanzio adds, “When I first started this endeavor, it was out of my own pocket for seven years...I sold my car, I sold my wedding ring.”

In short, the lunatic swapped a middle class life for a trailer full of cat poop and 6 acres strewn with no-return, slobbery cat toys.

Colon Cancer Diet

A new study from Harvard found out why fat people are twice as likely to get colon cancer.  

A high calorie diet turns off the guananylin gene needed to make guananylin.  The hormone regenerates intestinal epithelium.

Dr Scott Waldman, ‘Our study suggests that colorectal cancer can be prevented in obese individuals with use of hormone replacement therapy...’

Instead of a shot how about losing the weight?  Just saying...

Science: Normal Penis Size

Science seems to have a hard-on for penises. 

Researchers at King’s College London think there's a “concern that some men have about their penis size.”  No, really?

So they stuck 15,000 guys in a room and broke out the schlong-o-meter.   The results?

The flaccid muff wrangler is 3.6" dangling free, 5.2" when stretched a bit (don't ask), and 3.7" in circumference.
 
Erect the average Mr. Johnson rises to 5.1" standing and groans to 4.5" in girth.

Okay dude warm-up a Stanley FatMax and see what's what...just don't get caught by your wife and end up divorced and on YouTube.

McDonald's Chocolate Fries

McDonald's wants it's mojo back - so why not chocolate french fries?

The McChoco Potato is supposed to lure back the disaffected millions who have wandered out of their eateries and ended up getting e-coli over at Chipotles.

But why just a chocolate fix?  Why not maple syrup, chokecherry jelly, orange marmalade, peppermint schnaps, mint toe jam, or my personal favorite - jalapeno 'ass bleeder' prickly pear pectin?

Once desperate anything's worth a shot, right Ronald?

Cocaine: 'brain eats itself'

Dr. Prasun Guha of Johns Hopkins School Of Medicine published a mouse study of a crack-fueled "autophagy'' of grey matter. 

''Autophagy is the housekeeper that [normally] takes out the trash...But cocaine makes the housekeeper throw away really important things, like mitochondria, which produce energy for the cell.''

In short cocaine causes the brain to cannibalize itself.  Gives big hints what happened to Whitney Houston, John Belushi, River Phoenix, and Chris Farley.

And could explain Obama and Bill Clinton wandering around in the bizarro world too...

Last Roller Coaster Ride

Euthanasia or 'good death' is the practice of ending life to avoid pain and suffering.

Lithuanian Julijonas Urbonas wants a one-seat 'roller coaster killer' to assist such suicides in a 'euphoric and pleasurable' last ride.

The theory being a half dozen blood-curdling loops at 10-g will make your head explode.

But US neurosurgeon Dr. Damasio says the ride will leave people nauseous, pant-pooping, terrified and begging for death instead.

So who wants to the first and last ride and find out?

'I give up. I'm shot'

Chicago is a mess.  So is Oakland, Camden, Flint, Detroit, Baltimore, S. Central LA, Cleveland, Gary, Newark, and Birmingham.

'I give up. I'm shot' were the last words of a 17-year-old black carjacker Cedrick Chatman shot dead by a white Chicago cop in 2013.

Yesterday Rahm Emanuel told a room full of Chicago blacks the city has to 'root out the cancer' of police abuse referring to the Chatman incident.

The problem? If Chatman wasn't busy brutalizing people and stealing their cars no cop would have showed up to shoot him.  A 'truth' lost on pandering goons like Emanuel.

Naked Woman Waffle House Frenzy

The 5-2, 180lb Jennifer Nicholson stripped to bare butt and muff and punched a woman in the face at a Kennesaw, Ga waffle house around ten last night.

The naked Nicholson then threw plates of food, tins of syrup, glasses of water and a number of placemats at patrons while sprinting from one end of the eatery to the other...

The meelee ended when the cops cornered, grappled, cuffed, and gagged the crazed diner.  Then tied some tablecloths around her lady parts.

Nicholson is charged with assault, public indecency and putting a lot of people off their food.  And as she sits in the Cobb County Jail today one hasta wonder, maybe not leaving a tip would have been a better way to go?

Global Warming Good?

Two of the most hardened 'climate change' goons just published a study detailing how the eight ice ages over the past 800,000 years happened.

Turns out a combination of less sunlight at a latitude of 65 deg N and low carbon dioxide levels together lead to a tipping point in ice sheet growth.

Man made carbon emissions are going to delay the next ice age by 100,000 years!

The irony? Warming is not the problem, it's the solution.

Spray On Aphrodisiac

Attention homely hominids.

Researchers concocted an aphrodisiac spray and tested it on women who then said random men appeared 15% more attractive.

The spritz contains syntocinon, a synthetic form of the hormone oxytocin, the chemical released in the brain when humans 'fall in love.'

Syntocinon spray can be had online but the Royal Pharmaceutical Society says be careful because side-effects include nausea, headaches, miscarriages or even heart attacks.

But you still get the girl, right?

Shoplifter Bites Walmart Worker

Carolynn Wright, 23, was caught shoplifting condoms, lubricant, and panties from a South Carolina Walmart.

Before she could get out the door Carolynn was confronted by two female Walmart loss-prevention workers and reacted violently punching one of the workers “causing bleeding around her left ear.”

During the struggle Wright also bit off part of the finger of the other worker.   The finger was rushed to the hospital but "was not able to be reattached," according to police.

Wright is charged with shoplifting, assault/battery and finger-food theft.  The cannibal is being held without bond.

Human Organ Ranching

Chimera: an organism composed of two or more genetically distinct tissues.  In this case a goat with human stem cells.

The franken-goats are going to grow entire human hearts, livers, kidneys or any other part needed for transplanting.

But the NIH put the kibosh on the science because they feared goats, sheep and even mice might inherit human intelligence...no kidding.

Still, some 20 such creatures have already been made and funding from the Army and other sources is pouring into the effort.

Organ ranching, folks - it's coming to a hospital near you soon...

Smartphone Cancer Sensor

Patients suffering from cancer, diabetes, kidney/liver diseases, asthma and helicobacter pylori have funky smelling breath.

So the National Institute for Materials Science (NIMS), based in Tsukuba, Japan created a chip sensor for a smarthphone that can sniff out the diseases.

But NIMS needs a bunch of other players like Kyocera, NEC, Sumitomo Seika, Osaka U and a Swiss company to get the device into consumer's hands.

So hold your breath and don't get sick before 2020.

Top 10 Snide Antics

Feel'n extra ornery after the holidays?

Got malice, malevolence, maliciousness, malignancy, malignity, meanness, mordacity or mendacity on your mind?

Here's the quickest top ten ways to get back at people for trying to be nice to you and give you crap for Christmas.

Being mean and crazy is a birthright so don't squander it pretending to be a swell person either pal - you know who you are and it ain't all that pretty:

1. Plant yourself in a lawn chair in the front yard and point a hair dryer at passing cars - keep track of the ones that call 911.
2. When doing a little public speaking, keep licking your lips, bob your head like a parakeet and laugh out loud at your own jokes - see how long it takes for the room to empty..
3. Keep changing seats at a restaurant until a manager figures you for an OCD dribble-job and demands you leave.
4. Drive 35mph in the fast lane with the right blinker on then cut everyone off exiting at a 90 degree angle.  Most will assume you're Asian.
5. Keep a wet towel in your front pocket so it looks like you peed your pants. When someone looks ask them if they have hankie.
6. Write a check in a grocery store after penning 'for sexual favors' in the memo field.  If the clerk reacts demand free groceries.
7. Say 'ya know', 'right back atchya', 'at the end of the day', 'data point', 'teachable moment', and 'I feel ya' during a job interview.  Blame THEM when you don't get the job.
8. While waiting in a line rip a loud fart and shoot a stare at the person next to you and behind you.
9. Get loaded at the company party.  Saunter over to the bosses wife and say, 'Whuzzup Beatch.' 
10. Admit to others you voted for Obama.

This time next year just change #10 to 'voted for Hillary' and you're good to go for 2017 too.

Red Wine Reversal

Every year we get red wine good-news, bad-news.   This year the news is bad again - especially for the middle-aged...

Today the UK's Chief Medical Officer Dame Sally Davies published a study proving red wine will NOT cut the risk of cancer or heart disease.

In fact, all drinking at any level is carcinogenic and damages the liver.  But, patients hopping the wagon for four weeks saw liver function and cholesterol levels return to safe levels.

The National Institute for Health also says middle-aged people have "no safe level of alcohol consumption".

Walmart Couple Crap-Out

William Cornelius, 25, ponied up $29.62 for an engagement ring at the Walmart in Bay City, MI.  Store management let Bill propose to girlfriend Sheri Moore, 20, over the store’s loudspeaker system.

Sheri said yes filling the store with thunderous applause from shoppers.

Then the pair sauntered out to do a little sex toy store shopping at the Bay City Mall - you know, to get goodies for their no doubt gnarly night of connubial bliss.

Cornelius picked up a $14.99 vibrator, some BJ Blast oral sex candy, and a $5.99 "Bride-to-Be" edible thong.  The problem?  Other than really poor taste, Bill didn't pay for any of it. 

The pair were arrested for petty larceny.  Worse?  The sex toys in jail are not edible either.

Vagina Stereo

Babypod is peddling a pink stereo speaker lodged inside your vagina.  The cell-phone directed device plays [insert song here] point-blank at your unborn kid.

Apparently the gynecologists at the Institut Marquès proved the vagina route is superior to speakers clamped to your stomach.

Babypod says the vibrations from the pint-sized speaker are “why sex toys are allowed in pregnancy.”

The company claims to have ultrasounds capturing babies singing along.  Which is a cute trick considering these kids won't get teeth till months after birth.

Hillary “will get to the bottom” of UFOs

Hillary's clown-car campaign just drove into a deeper ditch.

After flinging the female card at Trump, Trump brought Bill's bimbos out and shoved the card firmly between Hill's ass-crack instead.

So today Hillary told a New Hampshire paper that space aliens are on her mind, “Yes, I’m going to get to the bottom of it, I think we may have been (visited already). We don’t know for sure.”

Hillary insists she is an open-minded skeptic on ET.   Whew...

Erectile Dysfunction Shortens Life

Erectile dysfunction (limp dick) victims are 70% more likely to die sooner rather than later according to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Why?

Because LD is linked to cardiovascular diseases resulting from hyperlipidemia, hypertension, obesity, diabetes, smoking, stroke, coronary heart disease and angina myocardial infarction.

So if you've been trying to stuff a marshmallow into a coin slot quit bending your pick and go see a heart doctor.  You're time may be shorter than you think.

Woman's Body Beats DUI

A judge near Buffalo,NY dismissed DUI charges against a woman who was 4x over the legal limit.  

Why?  The woman says she has gut fermentation or auto-brewery syndrome!

The condition was first seen in 2013 when a 61-year-old Texas man kept slurring words after eating chili.

So does she have a license to drive drunk? No.  Her get-out-of-jail free card was issued because she didn't know she had the condition...

So the burning question remains - why hasn't the DMV pulled her license?