Dating In 2040

Two hundred years who you married was decided by others.   Sounds barbaric 'till you ponder the divorce rate then was 1% and today it's 50%.

By 2040 70% of all matches will be found online.

• Full-sensory virtual dating will enable sampling at light-speeds.

• Behavior matching will be done by wearing behavior tracking devices. Hey, if you wanna get married, put the damn thing on dude.

• AI will be used to analyze the piles of data and pop out the top ten, but if that fails...

• DNA sampling yielding hard bio-matching. Well, that's what pheromones are partly about, ya know.

Or maybe we go back to low-tech arranged marriages when the machines can't beat 1% divorce rates.

#BlackLivesMatter Hypocrisy

#BlackLivesMatter claim the cops target blacks. Is that the truth?

• Between 2001 and today black shooters in Chicago killed 7,413. More than all military deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan combined.
• Over a decade cops killed 2,151 whites versus 1,130 blacks.
• Cops shoot fewer in 40 years than blacks killed in 2012 by other blacks.
• In 2012 black males were 6.6% of the population yet committed an astounding 5,531 murders. 
• Over the past 30 years blacks commit 50% or more of all homicides.
• In two years, 2010 to 2011 blacks murdered 4,906 blacks. That's 1,460 more than were lynched from 1882 to 1968.

#BlackLivesMatter isn't about black lives else they'd be focused on black killahs, not hard working cops.

Dead In A Day Diseases

Cancer, heart disease and HIV are bad, but they take years to kill.

The top ten drop-dead-in-a-day diseases:

1. Necrotising Fasciitis - flesh eating bacteria.
2. Cerebrospinal Meningitis - a brain eating bacteria.
3. Chagas - 'kissing bug' parasite.
4. Cerebrovascular - stroke.
5. MRSA - another bacteria.
6. Cholera - bacteria kills in hours.
7. Enterovirus - kills kids.
8. Bubonic Plague - 'black death'
9. Ebola - virus.
10. Dengue Fever - aka haemorrhagic fever from mosquito bite

As Jim Morrison once said 'no one gets out alive.'    Feel better now?

TSA Misses 73 Terrorists

The TSA let 73 airport workers with links to terrorism get jobs at airlines and airport vendors.

The DHS Inspector General blamed bureaucratic mistakes.

Last week the top dog at TSA, Melvin Carraway was fired by DHS head Jeh Johnson.   Why?  Because undercover agents easily smuggled fake explosives through security checkpoints 95% of the time they tried.

Yesterday John Kerry sent a letter to Massachusetts governor Charlie Baker insisting Syrian refugees get the 'most robust screening process for any category of individuals...' 

The letter was co-signed by DHS Jeh Johnson.   Despite last Oct. 13th Johnson admitting, 'we don’t know a whole lot about Syrian refugees.'

Affirmative action hiring, folks.

Male Menstrual Cycles

A poll taken at a coupon peddling site called vouchercloud showed 26% of men get 'man periods.'

Some 56% get irritable, 51% get tired, 47% get cravings, 43% start to cry easily, 15% get bloated, and 6% get cramps and want to go shopping.

Dr Jed Diamond, author of The Irritable Male says, ‘Men have a number of hormonal cycles and these affect their level of energy, anger, sex drive and irritability.’

The 'science' behind this absurdity is like the science behind Climate Change.   How long before Al Gore and Michael Moore admit their manopausal?

Hamster Panic After Quake

Hide under a bed when earthquakes hit?  How about taking refuge in a jar?

Hideaki the hamster freaked-out as a batch of books slammed the floor near his open cage during a small quake in Japan yesterday.

Hideaki's solution? Squeeze his fat furry 8 oz. booty into a 4 oz. glass bottle and wait for the end to come.

The convulsing creature was content to stay in there, but was eventually tempted out with a tasty treat.   Oh yea, and the bottle later rinsed and sanitized to remove the hamster hair and poop.

Chicago Sex Strike

Defenseless South-side Chicagoans are being mowed-down at rapid rates thanks to gun-control and gang-bangers. 

So April Lawson wants black women to stop having sex with black men 'til they stop the drive-bys.  

April's logic seems silly...expect the thugs with illegal-guns to stop pulling the trigger by making them irritable and horny?  Don't think so...

China's Gay Cure

Though homosexuals are not deemed 'mentally ill' in China, facilities like the Tianjin Mental Health Hospital are still trying to 'cure' gays using electricity.

Gay Chinese males get electrodes hooked to their ballsacks and skulls.  Then steady jolts of electrical voltage are administered.

'Now what I want to make you to feel is scared,' the clinician soothes the subject as he pulls the breaker.

But not all agree. Psychotherapist Johnny Li says, 'Aversion therapy reinforces...their feelings of rejection, the damage can...last a lifetime.'     

Ya think?

Religion And Driving

The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles allows religious headgear on license photos.

So when Lindsay Miller, a member of the 'Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster' was refused wearing a pasta strainer on her head.  She objected based on her 'religion.'

The Appignani Humanist Legal Center quickly took up the fight and won.

Despite the colander Lindsay remains as repugnant as a monkey's armpit...

Sexist Racist Milk?

Recall the capsized Christmas calamity at Starbuck's last week - the company cutting all nuance of Christmas from it's chophouses?

Now comes the anti-Christmas snipes from Germany.

Müller's seasonal milk bottles (Müllermilch) are cheerfully illustrated with Vargas-like females reminiscent of the 1940's.  And the chocolate milk, of course, has a black woman gracing the cylinder...oh the horror.

“Racists, sexists and disgusting,” tweeted one Teutonic left-winger.  "Epic fail #MüllerMilch sexist objectifying women on a drink targeting kids! Shame on you!" whined James@raspjamberlin.

Makes one wonder if James wasn't breastfed as a kid?  Or as a man?

Voice Of Charlie Brown Arrested

Peter Robbins of Oceanside, CA was the child actor that gave voice to Charlie Brown on TV and movies.

Mr. Robbins, now 59, plead guilty to stalking his former lover and the surgeon who gave her a boob job. He also copped to threatening his trailer park manager and San Diego Co Sheriff Bill Gore, offering $50,000 to have Gore killed.

But Peter says it's nonsene because he has bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia, 'I’m mentally ill...I’ve committed no crime.'

Rejecting the head-case defense the judge slapped a year in county and five years of probation on Robbins and warned, 'If you adhere to those terms, you won’t go to prison. So, don’t be a blockhead.’

Van Gogh's Ear Regrown

Artist Diemut Strebe used genetic samples from the great-great-grandson of Theo Van Gogh to 'regrow' brother Vincent Van Gogh's ear and put it on display in New York.

You know, one just like the one Vincent sliced off for a strumpet. Though some say Vincent lost the auricle in a sword fight with Paul Gaugin.

But we digress.

Franken-Gogh's ear floats eerily in a hermetic box and is kept 'alive' by a network of hoses and fluids.  And guess what?  The damn thing can actually hear, thanks to a microchip that stimulates nerve pulses.

No mention if Strebe plans to grow the rest of Vincent back...that would probably be wrong though, right?

Granny Growls At P&G

Seen the Big Bang Theory? Then you know Sheldon loves his 'mee-maw.'

Sacramento granny Randee Reidy, 67 is pissed-off at Procter & Gamble.

The company claims their Gain laundry soap can turn a gunnysack full of granny-panties that 'Smells like Mee-Maw' into a fresh-smelling pile of 'Smells like yee-haw.'

The company did reply to the humorless sexagenarian but the bristling banshee won't be stifled.  She fired off a missive to Hillary Clinton and whines, 'I'll just keep going with it...[you know] because it's just not right.'

Wow...if Randee's upset over laundry now think how wrinkled she'll get later when Hillary goes to jail.

Terminal Star Wars Fan Dies

Daniel Fleetwood, 32 was terminal with spindle cell sarcoma.

Dan loved Star Wars since he was a kid and feared he couldn't make the Dec. 18th opening of the newest Star Wars epic, The Force Awakens.

Twitter lit up under the hashtag #ForceForDaniel.  The tweets caught the attention of cast members.  Director J.J. Abrams soon called Dan - his dying wish would be granted.

So last Thursday the near-death man was treated to unedited screening of the full film.   Last night, just four days later Dan died in his sleep.

TSA Strip Search 90-Year-Old

TSA in Portland are denying, of course, the most recent outrage in their harassment of the elderly.

Alan Charney said his nonagenarian mother Harriette was yanked out of line after a full-body scanner revealed an anomaly in her bra.

Harriette had sewn a small pocket into her dumpling's holder to hide a little bus money in case her wallet was ever lost or stolen.  A modification  apparently too clever to figure out for the min-wage goons guarding the gates at our airports.

Alan says TSA forced Harriette to strip to the waist.  Alan lamented, ‘There was no sanity or sensitivity at all to the work that they were doing,’

Sanity? Sensitivity? Hey, remember we're talking about the Federal Government folks...

Jerry Brown Blunders

The AP has uncovered a calamity for California Gov. Jerry Brown.

Apparently carbon-credit Brown committed an impeachable offense in using state experts to find oil on his private property.

To wit: Section 8314 of the Ca Govt Code says, “It is unlawful for any elected state or local officer…to use or permit others to use public resources for…personal or other purposes...”

Is Jerry too torrid to touch or will a smidgen of justice squirt out?

And did you know all 20 of the worst cities in the USA are in Brown's state?

Dad Wants To Wed Son

We tell a tale of two old gay guys caught in web of wedded woe.

Nino Esposito, 78 and partner Roland “Drew” Bosee have cohabited in buoyant bliss for forty years.   Neither expected gay marriage would happen.  So five years ago Nino adopted Roland as his 'son.'
 
Then wham-bam...the Supreme Court fudged the constitution and found a way to gay marriage and the two septuagenarians got stuck.

How?  Judge Lawrence J. O’Toole put the kibosh on their demand to undo the adoption and now they can't marry “because they are legally father and son.”

Oops.

Clown Crushes Kids For Cash

Parents in Naples, Fl say they have a new, potent child rearing weapon - his name is Wrinkles The Clown.

Wrinkles told WAPO he gets a few hundred in cold-clown-cash to prank parties and course-correct indecorous kids.

On mom signed-on the jaundiced jester to jostle her junior jackanapes.

“He was scared of clowns and I showed up across the street from him at the bus stop and he just started crying in front of his friends and ran home...his mother called back a few days later and said ‘Thank you!’ Now when he acts bad, she just has to ask him: ‘Do you want Wrinkles to come back?’”

Create a future serial killer, or get the kid one of these. Your choice folks.

4 Billion Have Herpes

The World Health Organization (WHO) says herpes simplex (HSV-1) infects around 3.7 billion under 50.  And about half-a-billion over 50.

HSV-1 are the kissing cold sores. HSV-2 are the cankers that crawl onto your junk.

WHO also says half of women in the USA have HSV-1 compared to a third of the men.

Before panicking consider WHO rails on red meat and bacon too. The UN health hard-asses equate the two meats to smoking and asbestos.

Seems WHO didn't consult with Susannah Mushatt Jones who at 116 says bacon is behind her record setting run on Mother Earth.