Spanker Claims Self-Defense

Christopher Flowers, 38, is sitting in a New Orleans slammer on an assault charge today.

According to the Times-Picayune, “Mr. Flowers stated he was walking on Canal Street when he noticed he was being ‘stalked’ by an unknown female."

And that's when Flowers smacked her on the ass.  The woman told the cops Flowers said, “You know you liked it.”

Anyone think the 'stalked' story's gonna stand up in court?

California Drought Conspiracy

Aside from the ferocious two-hundred thousand acre fires still raging across the once Golden State, the Mountain Meadows Reservoir (aka Walker Lake) disappeared overnight.

The drought death grip has Dane Wigington, the lead researcher for GeoEngineering Watch crying foul.

Dane claims 'the government' is seeding fine particles of aluminum, barium, and other heavy metals into the sky to slow global warming.

The conspiracy theorist whistle-blower insists the meddling is either creating the drought or making it worse.

“I’ve spoken to NOAA scientists face-to-face who’ve told me off the record they know this is going on, but they’re afraid to speak out because they have no First Amendment protection," Dane warns.

Women Over Hill By Twenty-Five

OKCupid founder Christian Rudder compiled data from his site and found men of all ages want females 20 to 24.   

Women over 35 should expect to die alone with cats.

The ladies by contrast seek males around their own age. 

Fair?  Well women do say men over 40 are likewise throw-backs, so there's that...

Nuke Korea Say Obama Voters

About one-quarter of registered voters voted for Obama in 2012.  Grim 'til you consider even fewer voted for Romney.

San Diego Obama koolaiders signed a petition calling for a nuclear strike on N. Korea after they were told it would help Obama “leave behind a legacy.” 

On another petition people were told Obama had a “new plan to deal with Russia,” involving a pre-emptive nuclear strike in the name of "maintaining America’s superiority."  Dozens gladly signed with a smile.

Still wondering why the country is in a ditch?

Hillary's Health Hell

Remember Hillary's mysterious blood clot, well...

Ed Klein's new book 'Unlikeable' out on Sept. 28 says Hillary is battling a host of 'mounting health issues' including 'blinding headaches' that have 'frequently plagued her,' during the current campaign.

'She is exhausted and depressed a lot of the time,' a Clinton insider says, and has turned to sleeping pills to deal with chronic insomnia.

Some even suspect multiple sclerosis!  If true, Hillary Rodham's last rodeo ride is almost rode.

Psychopath Pop Quiz

Can a psychopath be spotted BEFORE they hunt, kill, skin and eat someone shoe shopping?   Yes.

Researchers from Johann Wolfgang Goethe University scrutinized the physiognomy of prison inmates and say the ones with wide faces are more likely to have Machiavellian egocentricity.

In layman's terms...these guys would beat you to death for the loose change in your pocket.

The theory? Wide faces in men are produced by high levels of testosterone during puberty. Setting these guys up for a lifetime of mindless rage and worse...

Obama Plans Pope Ambush

The failure-in-chief has invited a crew of curmudgeons to meet the Pope when Francis travels to the Whitehouse.

Among them a pro-abortion nun, a tranny, the first openly gay Episcopal bishop, and two Catholic gay chest-beaters.

The Pope says Catholics don't accept transgenderism. And gay marriage is the devil’s “attempt to destroy God’s plan.”

The Pope also said "It is horrific even to think that there are children, victims of abortion, who will never see the light of day."

Obama's behavior doesn't make him a Muslim, but it sure casts doubt on his respect for Catholics.

Parents 'Lesson' Kills Son

Joseph & Paulette Richardson are charged with involuntary manslaughter after forcing Paulette's 16 year-old son, Kendal to drink 7-times the legal limit.

Kendal died.

The two told the sheriff they 'wanted to teach him a lesson,' after the kid said he wanted to try some beer and ignore his biological dad's alcoholic history.

The Richardson's are in jail without money for bail or lawyers. The taxpayers will foot their bills from here...

Oh yea, and Kendal will still be dead.

Fat Flight Attendants Grounded

Air India is 'permanently' grounding 130 fat flight attendants.

Last year the air carrier gave 600 of its 3,500 cabin crew six months to lose the weight.  Apparently about a quarter of them failed.

“We are now declaring them permanently unfit for their job...people who are fitter can respond quicker...in case of any untoward situation,” Air India says.

No fat pilots or fat passengers at Air India?  Odd. 

And today we learn Obamacare wants employers to punish fat employees?

Snow White And Seven Friends?

Politically Correct De Montfort Hall in Leicester removed the word 'dwarfs' from its production of Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.  They claim the word 'dwarf' is "generally not a word that people feel comfortable with."

Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy and Sleepy are billed as "friends," and kids replace adult 'dwarf' actors to complete the ruse.

Real world short-guy and famed actor Mr. Warwick Davis, the 3'-6" star of Harry Potter and Star Wars, says it's "patronizing [that] people are offended on our behalf."

Teen Rapist Captured

Obama quickly adopted Trayvon Martin: ‘If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.'

Would Obama claim 17-year-old Bryon Overton pictured left because he looks like Obama too?

On September 8th the Houston teen broke into a bedroom and brutally raped a 3-year-old infant.

The cops caught up with Byron in Baton Rouge yesterday.   Asked about the rape the animal said the toddler ‘won’t remember it.'

Dumb Woman Duped

How does a woman have repeated sex with a 'man' and not know 'he' was actually a female friend?

The woman (alleged victim) met 'Kye Fortune' on Facebook who purported to be a man.  Several 'high pitched' chats later the woman agreed to meet Kye.

But there's a catch.  Kye insisted the woman wear a blindfold because he was 'anxious about the way he looked.'

Incredibly the blindfolded woman didn't know Kye used a 'prosthetic penis.'  On their final hay-ride the woman noticed,  "...my hand got caught on something. It did not feel right...[I pulled off the blindfold]...Gayle was standing there... I just couldn't believe it..."

Gayle Newland, 25, denies all five counts of sexual assault. 

The trial may find Gayle guilty but what about the dumbest woman on the planet engaging in blindfolded sex with a mutant muff-diving Internet troll?

Half Of US Adults Diabetic

The U.S. National Institute of Diabetes says 14% of US adults have Type I & II diabetes.  Another 38% are undiagnosed prediabetic.

Diabetes ranks 7th as cause of death.  Risks include blindness, hearth attack, stroke and kidney disease.

The costs? North of $300 billion.  The causes?  Obesity, poor diet and poverty.  In fact, 69% of adults over 20 are overweight or clinically obese.

SAT Scores Forty-Year Low

A record 1.7 million high school seniors took the SAT test last year.   And the results were horrific; the lowest level since 1975.

US education spending as a percent of GDP jumped from 2% in 1955 to 4.4% under Obama.

California spends the most among all states yet scored lowest with 11 of their most-populated cities in the bottom 25 of all U.S. cities.

Bush made progress with 'no child left behind' but Obama has issued countless waivers after teacher's unions pushed-back.

The answer? Restart the performance standards under 'no child,' dismantle union control of schools, and give parents vouchers to wash-out under-performing schools.

Black Baby Lesbian Lawsuit

Jennifer Cramblett ordered a blond-blue-eyed baby from the Midwest Sperm Bank in Illinois.

Cramblett was given a batch of black man's sperm and quickly got pregnant.  The sperm bank discovered the error too late and blithely offered an apology and a partial refund.

Cramblett sued the sperm bank for 'breach of warranty' but the case was thrown out. The judge told her to refile under a negligence claim, instead.

Cramblett said her family has 'difficulty' accepting her gayness. So guess how the appearance of the cute little black kid landed on the clan?

Cancer In Candles & Incense

Burning incense and candles?  Uh oh...

England's Center for Environmental Hazards say plug-in air fresheners produce 'considerable' levels of formaldehyde.

Researchers found particulates from agarwood and sandalwood are more toxic than tobacco smoke.

And scented paraffin candles make ultra-fine soot particles containing acetone, benzene and toluene.  Sorta like sucking on a diesel exhaust pipe.

Still feel like filling your trailer-house with the smell of the 60s?  Have fun...

Kermit Frazzles Feminists

Feminists are fuming over Kermit The Frog.

For 40 years Miss Piggy tossed her bacon at Kermit and last month he finally got fed-up and handed the porker her walking papers. 

Kermit hastily hopped on a new lily pad. Her name is Denise and she's sexy, sleek, sassy and YOUNG.

So the man-hating moustached menaces in the muff-diving brigade took to Twitter to decry their disdain - after all, why should the green titan of TV be happy, right?

PTSD From Sex Games

War is hell and so are sex games...

Nassau County Democrat Jeffrey Stein is the DA's chief admin officer and is in the middle of a 'sticky' and somewhat public divorce proceeding.

Stein's estranged wife, Carole Mundy, says she suffers from PTSD due to her soon-to-be-ex's sexual antics.

Mundy says Stein favored kinky role-playing where Stein dressed like a “sissy maid” and called himself “Jessica."

Mundy's details from the divorce petition; “Husband wore an anal plug with a horse tail and pretended to be a horse by galloping around the marital residence," and pretended to be a cat who “used [a] litter box and cleaned himself” and wanted Mundy to walk him on a leash.

Stein refuses to comment.  Wonder why?