Puny Penis Party Held

Ant Smith, 48, says he's tired of pissing and moaning over his 4-inch-erect penis.

So the self-flagellating Ant is gonna throw the "Big Small Penis" party at The Rhythm Factory in Whitechapel and charge attendees a fee-by-the-quarter-inch to enter...

Ant says he purchase a 'ponderously puny penis prize' for the occasion.   The under-equipped party animal says, "I’ve got various thoughts on what is a good and what is a bad small penis joke. And I do think humor is a great healer. So I’ll just say 'keep laughing'."

Only in Britain, huh folks?  Oh wait, France and Japan could probably throw a small one of these too...

Full Body Transplant In Two Years

Did you think organ transplants were tough?  How about a whole head to full body transplant?

No joke.

Dr. Sergio Canavero says he's drawn up plans to graft a living person’s head on to a donor body.  And he's ready to go in two short years!

Canavero warns: “If society doesn’t want it, I won’t do it. But if people don’t want it, in the US or Europe, that doesn’t mean it won’t be done somewhere else...”

Apparently the medical technology is no issue.  The real question remains, of course, are humans ready to start swapping for upgrades?  And who's gonna pony up $12 million and be first?

Suddenly the snide 'I wouldn't sex Nancy Pelosi with your dick' becomes not so funny...

Female Funk: Fad Or Forever?

If females in the USA are like females in Great Britain then there's BIG trouble festering, folks...

A survey of over 2,000 British ladies aged 18 to 50 revealed four out of five don't take a daily shower (or bath).  In fact, a third of the dirty women say they can go for three days or more without washing their wild places at all!

Worse?  One in eight say they skip brushing their teeth too!  And the rest can't remember the name of their dentist.

What the hell is going on?   We expect clothing and hair styles to change, but since when did funk become fashion?

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Panda Pajama Pandemonium

More Muslims live in Indonesia than any country in the world, over 200 million. So when the cops in Jakarta spotted a kid wearing a pajama shirt sporting mounting Pandas they swooped down on the little guy like a Jihadi at a beheading.

After all a bare female face gets Muzzie males lathered up, so how the heck can a kid with a cartoon Panda shirt be allowed to run free?

The cops quickly issued this fun little public admonishment: ''We appealed to the people to be aware of the presence of these obscene shirts, If anyone knows anything about the circulation or sale of these shirts they are requested to immediately report to the nearest police station.'

Oh yea, that's gonna happen...  Does anyone go to a zoo in Indonesia?

Bride Swaps Groom For Guest

Groom Jugal Kishore, 25, was about to say 'I Do' when he collapsed in an epileptic seizure and took a ride to a hospital.

The seizure shocked bride, 23-year-old Indira.  Indira wondered why she wasn't told of Jugal's problem before the nuptials?   Her answer?

Replace Jugal with wedding guest Harpal Singh!

Jugal recovered and returned to the wedding expecting to find his fiancé anxiously waiting but found her married instead.  And that's when the curry hit the fan...

When Indira refused to reverse her vows to Harpal, Jugal and his family starting throwing plates and cutlery at Indira's family.  The cops had to break up the brawl.

After some yelling at the police station, the two families worked out their differences and Jugal went home still single.  Indira and Harpal?  They're at the hotel Thiruvananthapuram with a Guess What We Are Doing sign on their door.

10 DUIs 2 Life Sentences

Bobby Gene Martin has been driving drunk for 30-years in Texas.

On Mr. Martin's 10th DUI arrest a Texas jury finally sentenced him to two life-terms in prison.  During the brief trial the jury was told of just two prior DUIs and were shocked to later find it took 10 to get this guy off the streets!

Martin has been drunk, violent, dangerous and unremorseful.  Why it took 10 DUIs to take him off the streets is a sad indictment of the system itself.

Martin will be 80 before he's eligible for parole.  Parole?

Justice Ginsberg Drunk At SOTU

Front, center and passed-out at Obama's state-of-the-union boring-fest was Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. 

Ginsberg deflected her lack of sobriety by pointing her elderly finger at Justice Anthony Kennedy insisting HE was the culprit, bringing a California wine to the before event dinner.

After Ginsberg finished her admonition Justice Antonin Scalia, who was on stage with her joked, “Well, that’s the first intelligent thing you’ve done.”

Bill Clinton appointed her, surprise!

Oakland's Radical Brownies

The Ferguson incident led to riots, looting, burned-out businesses and the 'hands up' movement all based on a lie. Three-hundred pound Michael Brown was not shot with his hands up.  No.  Brown's homicidal rampage got him killed.

Presumably to keep the lie alive race hustlers and anarchists are recruiting kids in a uniquely sinister way.

In Oakland last weekend a group of eight to ten year old girls gathered in a living room not to get ready for cookie sales.  Instead, they were dolled-up in black-panther inspired berets and brown-shirt uniforms with the slogan 'Radical Brownies' sewn on their backs.

One little girl muttered,  'White policeman are killing black young folks such as women, men and children.'  Another said, 'Mike Brown. He was shot because he didn’t do nothing. Only the police officer shot him because of his skin color.'

The two founding mothers claim a 'social justice' motivation.  What a coincidence...the Hitler Youth had brown shirts and social justice slogans too...

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Marijuana Turf War

How can Colorado, Washington, Alaska and Oregon pretend they legalized marijuana when the drug is listed as a Schedule I controlled substance under federal law?

The Obama regime told Colorado they could play in the pot pen as long as the crap didn't infect neighboring States.  Yea, like that wasn't gonna happen!

Now Nebraska, Oklahoma and soon Kansas are in court to cutoff the migration of marijuana across the Colorado state line.

Sadly, State's can't sue each other over a derelict federal government.  The problem's not Colorado, it's the Obama train-wreck, once again...

A study today proves a link between weed and manic/delusional behavior...wanna bet the dopers deny and deflect the science?

Bloomberg's Black Gun Ban

Ex NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg was is Colorado last week quoting the New York Times: “Cities need to get guns out of [the] … hands” of persons who are “male, minority, and between the ages of 15 and 25.”

Bloomberg theorizes minority males have a grim outlook on life and “think they’re going to get killed anyway because all their friends are getting killed.”

So Mikee wants to ban their guns.  Swell, the problem?

Gang banger's guns are already banned!  Bloomberg thinks he's found a more clever way to go after the 2nd amendment.

Robot Vacuum Attacks Sleeping Woman

Do you fear robots?  No?  Better reconsider...

A 52 year old Changwon, South Korean woman made the mistake of falling asleep on the floor.  Sometime after nodding off a convulsive, howl-curdling, hair-ripping pain awakened her...yep, the robotic vacuum cleaner was on her like a pit bull mauling a poodle.

Somehow she managed to crawl and call for help.  A team of two paramedics worked for an hour to free her from the dastardly device.

No word whether the partly bald woman will clean floors manually from now on...but one thing for sure, she'd better get her sleepy-time done before the robot recharges it's batteries again...

Samsung's Sinister Warning

SmartTV has arrived and oh man are you gonna get paranoid now...

Samsung warns: You can control your SmartTV...with voice commands...Please be aware that if your spoken words include personal or other sensitive information, that information will be among the data captured and transmitted to a third party...

It's not like they can listen in on your cell calls, track you from space, read all your emails and text messages, and peek into your banking and finances...oh wait, they can...

Well at least you can disable the voice recognition in the TV.  But then, why did you pay extra for the smart stuff in the damn thing if you're just gonna turn it off anyway?

Toilet Seat Science

Is there a more crucial couple's decision than who of the two must lift and/or lower the connubial toilet seat?

Some wanton women try to toilet train men into lifting and lowering each visit. And the insolent males spray the seat with indifference leading to a nasty surprise for her in the middle of the night.

So what's the straddling strategy equitable to both side?

Michigan State U professor Jay Pil Choi did the math: the best way to minimize effort for either party is to leave the seat in the position last used.

Neverland Sex Abused Kids Ranch

Ready for some luscious, lugubrious irony?    How about Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch gets converted into a giant rehabilitation facility for sexually abused kids?

The bidding war has begun for the sprawling property in Los Olivos, CA.  Seized due to Jackson's mountainous debt.

Two bidders want to resurrect the rapidly dilapidating finca and turn it into a monument to Jackson.   But one clever and apparently wealthy guy is offering $40 million to achieve 'his goal is for the place to be used to help children in a serene setting recover from the trauma of sex abuse.'

Remember, Jackson was indicted on four counts of molesting a minor, four counts of intoxicating a minor in order to molest him, one count of attempted child molestation, and one count of conspiring to hold the boy (Gavin Arvizo) and his family captive at Neverland.

But Mikee beat the wrap after fourteen-weeks of trial.

The swirl of acrimony, accusations by alleged former victims, and a fading public memory may sink the deal.  Maybe it's best the estate continues decaying - like Jackson himself...that would also be poetic, huh?