Olympic Runner Fails Beer Mile Record

In other news. London Olympics 800 meter runner Nick Symmonds took a shot at breaking the beer-blazing time of 5.02 in the beer mile.

Not yet an Olympic event, the importance of running a fast mile time while chugging beers at required intervals will eventually surpass the importance of the sober mile, no doubt.

The rules for the beer mile are complex.  First, you have to run as fast as any other world-class miler.  And second, you have to have a favorite beer and a lot of experience beer-bonging.  And you can't puke or you get punished with extra laps.

A beer has to be sucked down at the start line - then another inhaled at each 3/4 mile interval.  The quarter-mile times need to be near 60-seconds pace 'till nearly a half-gallon of suds fill the vacant spots in your liver.

Sounds like fun huh?  And if you break the beer-mile-record the endorsement deals are just as savory - there are none!

Symmonds chose Coors because he is from Oregon? The final hot can of rocky mountain spring water chugged while he gasped for breath choking and wheezing while his coach screamed, 'C'mon, big deep breaths.'

'I feel tired, I feel full of beer. I'm not inebriated by any means yet. But, 5.19... It's a good first mark, I've got some training to do,' Symmonds gurgled. Symmonds seems to be saying he is going to actually TRAIN for another try! Psst, Nick it's not a real race dood, nobody cares if you break the record!

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