102 -Year-Old Killer Arrested

A 102-year-old woman confessed to killing her 92-year-old roomie in a French retirement home in Chézy-sur-Marne, France.

The post-mortem exam determined the victim was dispatched by  "strangulation and blows to the head."

The 102-year-old was "in a very agitated state, confused, and told the carer that she had killed someone", the cops claim.

Given the bizarre nature of both crime and suspect extensive psychiatric tests have been ordered to determine whether she's delusional or doomed.  Let's face it, at her age ten hours may be a life sentence.

Teeming Colonies Of Mites Infesting Humans

Demodex brevis are tiny, ugly, nasty, hideous, Godless creatures that live at the base of hair follicles on your face and nipples.

They feed on skin cells and swarm in nightly sex orgies breeding massive mite colonies.  All while you sleep.

Out-of-control outbreaks can lead to acne and worse.  and when they die the mite-carcasses release the bacteria behind rosacea.

The cure?

1. Bathe or shower hourly.
2. Use non greasy lotions, sunscreens and body lubes.
3. Loofa dead skin cells like your life depended on it.
4. Drip hot candle wax on sensitive areas and don't go outside
5. Wear a hazmat suit to bed after pouring kerosene on your nipples.
6. Stay away from the homeless and India
7. Give up and accept them like an alien life-form that will only die when you do.

The good news?  There is no good news.  But just remember, these are only a few of the creatures calling your body home. Next week we'll talk about what's thriving under your fingernails, between your toes and in your intestines.

Eyesight Saving Sunglasses In Bed

Researchers at the University of Amsterdam determined wearing sun glasses in bed filtered out blue light from cellphones, computer screens, and tablets.

Last year a study at Ohio's Toledo University found blue light from digital devices triggers production of a toxic chemical that kills light-sensitive cells, speeding up Macular Degeneration!

Begging the obvious.  Is pillow-planting a pair of expensive Maui Jim's the answer?

Well now Dutch researchers are studying whether just turning off the devices will have the same eye-salvaging effect.  So inquiring minds wanna know, why didn't the geniuses study turning the crap off at the same time they studied wearing the sun glasses to bed?

Hello?

Large Testicles Linked To Infidelity

Just as Darwin noticed the male peacock's tail was too flashy and large for flight...the tail evolved, instead, to compete for females.

Size matters for deer and elk too.   Antler size...the more robust the rack the more doze be diddled.

But what about Simians (apes, monkeys and of course, humans.)  Well, it's all about gargantuan gonads, folks.  Easy for gorillas and monkeys who walk around all day with their junk in full view.  But humans?

Ah ha!

That's where infidelity rears it's ugly head.  Males with big balls cheat; the theory being, how else would women get a good look and be willing to steam some undies?

So no need to track him down, ladies.  If he's packing, strap an ankle tracker on the wander-luster.  Or stay stuck sticking to an inseminater with tinier goodies and less risky impulse control dangling between his legs.

Woman Pushes Old Man Off Bus Gets Murder Charge

Las Vegas 25-year-old Cadesha Bishop was just charged with murder after pushing an old man off a city bus and killing him.

And the whole thing was caught on camera.

Police say Bishop was “yelling and cursing” at passengers on the bus when Serge Fournier, 74, asked her to “be nice.”

Bishop's response was to forcefully shove the old man off the bus and watch him crash to the pavement.  Fournier suffered head injuries and a “crushed hip.”

The Clark County Coroner determined Fournier died of “complications of blunt force torso injuries” and ruled his death a homicide.

Drunken Lawn Jockey Crashes Cop Car

Floridian Gary Anderson, 68, got loaded and got behind the wheel of his riding lawn mower and crashed it into a parked cop car.
 
The cop rushed out and confronted Anderson who quickly gave up and said “fuck it, I’m drunk, take me to jail.”

Once at the station, Anderson had a change of "fuck it, I'm..." and refused to take a breathalyzer test.  Worse, the drunken mower rider started ranting about the cops poisoning him.  

So he was re-piled into another cop car and taken to a hospital for a blood test.  You guessed it, the sot had a .241, three times the legal limit.  And as an added bonus, cocaine turned up too.

After Anderson finds $3,000 bucks for his bond and gets his mower out of impound, he is gonna get his day in court.  And he'd be ill-advised to repeat his, "fuck it, I'm guilty, take me to jail" wisecrack.   Not unless he's looking for extra jail time.

Parrot ‘Taken into Custody’ After Warning Drug Dealers of Raid

Federal police in Teresina, Brazil were about to bust two drug kingpins when a parrot inside the house screeched, “Mum, the Police!” in Portuguese.

Despite the bird's best efforts, the cops arrested the pair. Also seized were large quantities of heroin, weapons and cash.  Oh yea, and the officers also took the parrot into custody.

“So far it hasn’t made a sound … completely silent,” says local vet Alexandre Clark, who was brought in to interrogate the animal.  So the cops are transferring the feathered perp to a zoo where it will be taught to fly and be paroled back into the wild.

In 2008, cops captured two alligators following a raid in western Rio de Janeiro.  Apparently the drug barons fed their enemies to the animals.  So the man-eating reptiles had to be destroyed.

Drug trafficking is a major problem in Brazil and so apparently are the pets the traffickers train and keep.