Hypochondriacs Live Longer

Neuroticists (including Hypochondriacs) are emotional shit houses filled with sadness, low self-esteem, anger, anxiety, feelings of guilt, and frustration. 

The neuroticist tries to compensate by being hostile and depressed.  And they often smoke, do drugs and drink themselves to death.

But somehow hypochondriacs manage to live longer because they obsess over every little tick and tingle and go to a doctor with both real and imagined illnesses.  At least that's the theory in a recent study.

Good news for the wacky worry warts but what about the rest of us driven into early graves thanks to their whining and gnashing of teeth?  Don't we get a study too?

Female Futzes Face To Dodge Debt

How far will one go to avoid paying personal debts?  Well, let's ask  59-year old Zhu Najuan from Wuhan, China.

Zhu was ordered by a court to pay a 25 million yuan ($3.71 million).  Her solution?

Hop a train using stolen identity and credit cards to Shenzhen and get her face re-arranged by a plastic surgeon.

"We were very surprised at the scene," the cops reported. "She looked in her thirties and was different from the photos we had."

Zhu was clever but not clever enough!  The cops had a before picture in hand and a sneaking suspicion in a city famous for plastic surgery a customer before picture may match...sure enough....

Erection Coffee Yanked From Shelves

The FDA says Bestherbs' Kopi Jantan Tradisional Herbs Coffee contains desmethyl carbodenafil, a drug similar to Viagra.

So Bestherbs pulled the product from production.

The desmethyl carbodenafil could interact with nitrates prescribed for men with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol or heart disease and lower blood pressure to dangerous levels.

So if you're good with a woodie from your morning coffee then ignore the warning.  Just remember your coworkers may not appreciate the brew's effect as much as you.

Son Of Cecil Slaughtered

Xanda was shot and killed just outside Hwange National Park - near the spot where lion dad Cecil was beheaded and skinned two years ago.

The hunt was legal since Xanda, Cecil's oldest cub ventured just beyond the park boundary.  So don't blame the hunters.

Blame the lions for ignoring park boundaries, right?

Harvard: Masturbation Cures Cancer

Finally a cure for cancer no one can refuse.

Harvard published fresh research in the European Urology journal.  The study followed 32,000 men and their prostates.  The fun part?  Chocking the chicken lowers cancer risk by up to 33 percent!

This translates into 21 ejaculations per month or 252 penis pops per annum.

Apparently toxin build-up inside the walnut sized organ is the culprit.  So lack-o-nookie produces the  ponderous prognosis in men where 30 percent by age 50 have prostate cancer and 100 percent by 80 are scourged. 

So get in there guys and get going.  And if the wife objects give her the good news...it's her everyday or or get out of the way.

Gay Crossbow Shoots Gay Dart

The Christian Defense League of Texas alerted DHS about a new weapon the LGBTQ community has developed to turn vigorous straight guys into raging homoerotics. 

The ATF has seized a mini-crossbow which fires a toothpick sized dart. The CDC's genetic-predisposition division says the puissance and potency of the darts are palpable.

The CDC says the symptomology include strong guilt-ridden memories of heinous gay acts and worse.  The victims germinate a ghastly gaydar and become inescapably drawn to gay bars, parades and bathouses.  Some were even picked-up prowling laundermats hunting for women's underwear.

The ACLU, ATF, BLM, CDC, CDL, DOD, DOJ, EPA, FEMA, FBI, ICE and IRS are asking for your help.  If you see someone acting queerly call a cop immediately.

The straight you save may be yourself...so far there is no known cure.