Ten Tainted Tourist Traps

Ever fantasize going to far away exotic places? Well fuhgetaboutit..
Prior to packing your khakis and cabana shirts and joining millions in the same plane, cruise ship, rickshaw, hotel, hostel and cafe you're gonna wanna check this list of tourist trampled towns first...

10. Belize City - Crime. Drugs. Dilapidation. A vibe that screams avoid-being-out-after-dark. This shithole in Central America has been a whorehouse since Columbus crossed it looking for the Pacific Ocean.

9. Cairo - ancient wonders and modern horrors await. Even if you avoid being molested by a radical Muslim you still face the WHO warning that a day in Khere-Ohe is equivalent to a smoking a lung-wrecking pack a day of camel dung.

8. New Delhi - the "Government Tourist Office" scam; The "Hotel Commission" scam; The "Fake Train Station" scam; The "Airport Transfer" scam are among a few to ponder before arriving.

7. Jakarta, Indonesia - choked with traffic, pollution, poverty and tourists just like you the city takes no prisoners and offers no condolences when you rabbit out of there the second you realize your mistake.

6. Lima, Peru - can any city have more wretched poverty, smog, kidnapping danger and bad food than Mexico City?  Oh sure you can buy a fedora hat made from alpaca hair but you can stay home and save yourself an amoeba infection too.

5. Los Angeles - earthquakes, race riots, horrific traffic, smog, gang-bangers and loud sirens lull you while meandering among a city of millions with no definable boundary. If you don't drive don't bother, if you do drive don't drive there...

4. Timbuktu, Mali - are you kidding?

3. Paris - rude waiters, long lines, chain smokers, and stolen art from German Jews. Whoever among your friends tells you Paris is the place to be is too far-gone to remain a friend...

2. Sydney & Melbourne - feel the fracas! For 177 years these two penal colony towns have a had blood feud that makes the Hatfield and McCoys look like an Amish barn-raising..

1. Tijuana, Mexico - drug cartel central. Welcome to corrupt cops, syphilitic whore houses, dead beggars on sidewalks, tequila dives and swine flu cafes. Given up on fun? Trek to Tijuana and never travel again.