Science's short list on how to keep you badgering your kids well into your 90s.
- Read something upside down. Put needless frustration into your life.
- Eat red peppers and suckie beets to load up on C and lycopene.
- Run a mile. If you get a heart attack you don't need this list.
- Stay off public toilets. The ferocity and virulence can't be overstated.
- Eat a banana. Potassium is heart food. Rub the peels all over.
- Squat. Can't? You are a disgusting fat-body buying a diabetic coma.
- Drink a coffee a day. Green tea is better. Three coffees better still.
- Sleep large. Sleep till next spring. But don't get comatose.
- Keep your teefs clean. Bacteria turns your gums into goo.
- Suck wind thru a straw once in a while. The lungs need exercise too.
- Hang out with thin bodies. Get out of your desk chair before it's too late.
- Eat purple onion, not white. Purple egg plant, not eggs.
- Limit fat intake to 20 grams a day. All doughnuts if you must.
- Engage in the high-hard-one twice a week minimum. Sex is not only fun, it's free.
- The older you get the more longevity advise you need - read on.
- Restrict happy feet. People who are too happy don't pay attention to the grim stuff.
- One, repeat, ONE glass of wine or beer is healthy. Two or more is a future DUI.
- Be a female until age 35, then switch to male after that. These are the statistics people.
- Live on a hill or mountain side. Stats again.
- Avoid peanuts, and have an occasional argument with your spouse. These things work.
- Sleep in separate beds. Sleep trumps bumping uglies and late-night TV.
- Play golf, do yoga, chew your food, eat less salt, and carry a concealed weapon.
- Laugh. People who are laughing a lot not only look suspicious, they live longer.
Follow these few simple rules. Then one day find yourself at 100 sitting alone in a Florida seniors village spitting on staff, picking at your toes and butt, and pondering where your friends and family went. None of them read this list or worked on living longer like you did.
