Christmas Food To Fear

Beware the fibrous vituperative vegetables of Christmas yule - the ones that turn your rear into a flatulent flesh-tuba.  Who did that? Dad, the dog, mom?.

First in the offenders lineup is the Jerusalem Artichoke.  The fiber in one of these missiles is twice as high as the second place pretender. 

Parsnip places second.  The humble green spidery clump really doesn't classify as food at all. Parsnip is a garnishment meant to be seen and not heard; chomped down by the unsuspecting in a frenzy of 'eat everything in sight' madness. The material races thru the digestive tract like an unstoppable rebel force.

Brussels sprouts bust in at third.  Nothing like a sprout, more like a tight little titan of leafy turf transforming readily into miasma.  The eventual outcome reminds one of a colorful aroma of fermented shoe-laces in a vat of apple-cider vinegar.

Fourth, give way to the Christmas Cabbage, blanched, boiled, or beaten, the cabbage will have you whistling in short order - remember the barbarian hoards?.

Finally, fifth, the cantankerous cauliflower. Why anyone wants to eat this vegetable remains a mystery. Cauliflower is as dense as a bowling ball, textured like a frozen human brain, and presents the color of carton of milk two months past the expiration date.  Even soaked for half a lifetime, nothing penetrates the fiber in this malformed missive. The crazed cauliflower consumer chews and chews till the pooper-pipers price is paid.

'A possible cure for flatulence is to add dill or caraway seeds to vegetables such as cabbage when cooking, or if all else fails have a cup of peppermint tea after your meal.' a Vegetarian Society spokesman sputtered.

One last important tip - never, under any circumstance, in no way, shape or form, pull dad's finger - its a trap, a trick, one of the oldest in the book. Just don't do it!

Econ 101:  Christmas Gift Waste Effect