National 'Period' Day?

We are being assaulted by a goofy field of 2020 Democrat candidates who collectively and daily are proposing a range of absurd and dangerous ideas.

But last week, suddenly from the corners of their addled minds came an odd perverted push for a National Period Day.

The concern?  They say there is “the issue of period poverty” apparently.  The situation according to the period panicked is “outrageous” because some “people” don't have access to basic menstrual products.

Note.  It is "people" not "females" with a poverty period crises.  That swap in terms is intentional of course.  The point is not about the female menstrual cycle; it's about identity politics...

A brand new bend-over for poverty, gender-bending and single-payer healthcare all rolled into one bloody ball of nonsense.

US Marines Standing Ready To Protect The White House

Should President Trump be readying a military response to threats being sent by Democrats toward him and his administration?

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (admittedly a lunatic) openly opines about which prisons to lockup Trump and his cabinet.

Further, consider the crazed comments from goons like Beto, Buttigeg, Booker, Biden, Sanders and Warren.  And add Hillary's cries that Trump has an "illegitimate" presidency.

We also have the looming DOJ IG’s FISA abuses report set to drop at any moment.  Many presume a long list of Democrats and employees past and present at DOJ, FBI and CIA will be indicted based on the content of the report.

Are deep state country-haters getting ready to escalate their meandering impeachment effort into a  “hot coup” (kinetic engagement, arrest or execution of the President and his Cabinet) to avoid going to prison themselves?

A new military order has been issued under MARADMINS number 550/19 entitled “MARINES ORDERED TO ACTIVE DUTY ISO DEFENSE SUPPORT OF CIVIL AUTHORITIES.”

Under the order, Trump would call out the Marines and surround the White House, then legally and lawfully pursue the originators of the criminal coup.

In short, contingency plans are in place.

Camel Crushes Woman

A female Florida truck driver pulled into a popular truck stop to give her deaf dog a chance to take a leak.

But the dog leapt off the truck and attacked Caspar the camel standing innocently in his pen, instead.  The woman ran to grab her dog and ended up squashed under the 1100 pound ungulate.

“I bit his balls to get him off of me, I bit his testicles to get him off of me,” she told the cops as she was being loaded into the ambulance.

After considering the camel's docile past and the pride-crushing assault on his camel-hood, the officer cited the lady truck driver for trespassing and violating area leash laws.

Read more here: https://www.sunherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article235366162.html#storylink=cpy

Read more here: https://www.sunherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article235366162.html#storylink=cpy

New Tongue From A Left Arm?

Rebecca couldn't shake a white patch on her tongue and sore spot that never went away.

Soon after visiting doctors she got the diagnoses no one want to hear;  tongue cancer.

"My world had shattered into a million pieces. I remember saying to the consultant: ‘I can’t have cancer, my life with my fiancé is just beginning.’

Rebecca submitted to eleven and a half hours of surgery;   The team removed the right side of her tongue and replacing the appendage with skin and an artery from her left arm, right lymph nodes in her neck and two back teeth so her new tongue would fit.

After months of pain, inability to eat and depression, Rebecca seems to be coming back.  Cool.

Thief Uses Photographic Memory To Steal

A Japanese clerk memorized over 1300 customers' credit cards while processing their orders.  He later went on an online shopping spree using the cards' numbers.

The cops nailed the guy quickly but not before he could steal about $2,600 bucks.

The use of an eidetic memory to retain credit card numbers was a first according to authorities.

In 2016, a gang of thieves used 1,600 forged cards to withdraw money from 1,400 cash machines across Japan. In just over two hours, they stole $13 million.

Software Error Results In Killer Sex Robot

Sex robots with ‘full AI programming’ are about to hit the market and are fully capable of 'replacing human intimacy,' says collector Brick Dollbanger. 

Dollbanger warns, "it's going to be more durable, instead of having bones it's going to have high impact, plastic or aluminium frame...it won't get tired, it won't stop [until the battery runs out]."

Dollbanger (not a software expert) wonders, "if you...have a line of bad code [and it] puts its arm around your neck and just stop you from breathing...[then what]?"

Would the warranty be nullified?  Shouldn't we as a society be asking these tough question BEFORE someone dies?  Or do we accept the death rates like we do for car and aircraft disasters - you know, for the greater orgasmic good?

Humans Are Food Of Future?

Just when you thought the climate goons could not get crazier along comes a Swedish Scientist insisting eating people will save the planet.

Magnus Söderlund announced seminars on the imperative of consuming human flesh in order to stop climate change.

Remember, the climate weenies claim critter eaters are the worst perps.

So watch out folks...you could be birthing something today that will literally BBQ you tomorrow.

Tragic Tale Of Stuckie The Mummified Dog

Stephen King could not invent a story more intriguing.

Georgia loggers sawed the top off a Chestnut tree and loaded it onto a truck.  One of the men spied something odd.  Peering down the hollow center of the trunk, there staring eerily back was the perfectly mummified remains of a dog; a sardonic grin frozen on the canine's face still bared in a fight for survival.

Experts say it's a hunting dog from the 1960s.  The ancient chase likely for a squirrel starting through a hole in the roots, ending up high in the center of the hollow tree.  The higher the dog crawled the narrower the tree became until the dogs body wedged solidly.

But how after fifty years are we witness to this Canis Passion Play?

Chestnut oaks contain tannins.  The primary substance used in taxidermy to halt decay.  Over time, the tree's tannins seeped into the dog.  The cozy cavity kept moisture and  scavengers from ruining the process.

Loggers started calling him “Stuckie."  Feel ghoulish?  Find Stuckie at the Southern Forest World museum in Waycross, GA.  Take the whole family...it'll be a howl.

Woman Arrested After Watching Wedding Crashers

Jaymee Cruz, 31, was arrested on felony counts of distributing noxious or deleterious food.   She told the cops she got the idea after watching Wedding Crashers.

Jaymee wanted to get sole-custody of a kid she had with her fiance.   So she dumped a bottle of Visine in his soda to disable him long enough to kidnap the kid and presumably, somehow that would lead to a custody hearing in her favor.

Remember Vince Vaughn squirting Visine into Bradley Cooper’s coffee? Cooper spent the rest of the movie strapped to a toilet evacuating nuclear powered diarrhea...

So now Jayme gets a court date and loses her kid.  Thanks alot Vince.

Man Tells Cop Coke On Nose Not His

Fabricio Tueros Jimenez, 20 was busted in Florida at a traffic stop with 250 grams of marijuana, 13 Xanax pills, and his nose covered in cocaine.

Jiminez swore he never saw the drugs before and adamantly insisted the white powder all over his nose was also someone else's...

Jimenez’s schnoz was swabbed, surprise!  Tested positive for coke. The cops searched his body, surprise!  A LOT more coke was found.

Looks like Fabricio got some 'splain'n in court to do now.

102 -Year-Old Killer Arrested

A 102-year-old woman confessed to killing her 92-year-old roomie in a French retirement home in Chézy-sur-Marne, France.

The post-mortem exam determined the victim was dispatched by  "strangulation and blows to the head."

The 102-year-old was "in a very agitated state, confused, and told the carer that she had killed someone", the cops claim.

Given the bizarre nature of both crime and suspect extensive psychiatric tests have been ordered to determine whether she's delusional or doomed.  Let's face it, at her age ten hours may be a life sentence.

Teeming Colonies Of Mites Infesting Humans

Demodex brevis are tiny, ugly, nasty, hideous, Godless creatures that live at the base of hair follicles on your face and nipples.

They feed on skin cells and swarm in nightly sex orgies breeding massive mite colonies.  All while you sleep.

Out-of-control outbreaks can lead to acne and worse.  and when they die the mite-carcasses release the bacteria behind rosacea.

The cure?

1. Bathe or shower hourly.
2. Use non greasy lotions, sunscreens and body lubes.
3. Loofa dead skin cells like your life depended on it.
4. Drip hot candle wax on sensitive areas and don't go outside
5. Wear a hazmat suit to bed after pouring kerosene on your nipples.
6. Stay away from the homeless and India
7. Give up and accept them like an alien life-form that will only die when you do.

The good news?  There is no good news.  But just remember, these are only a few of the creatures calling your body home. Next week we'll talk about what's thriving under your fingernails, between your toes and in your intestines.

Eyesight Saving Sunglasses In Bed

Researchers at the University of Amsterdam determined wearing sun glasses in bed filtered out blue light from cellphones, computer screens, and tablets.

Last year a study at Ohio's Toledo University found blue light from digital devices triggers production of a toxic chemical that kills light-sensitive cells, speeding up Macular Degeneration!

Begging the obvious.  Is pillow-planting a pair of expensive Maui Jim's the answer?

Well now Dutch researchers are studying whether just turning off the devices will have the same eye-salvaging effect.  So inquiring minds wanna know, why didn't the geniuses study turning the crap off at the same time they studied wearing the sun glasses to bed?

Hello?

Large Testicles Linked To Infidelity

Just as Darwin noticed the male peacock's tail was too flashy and large for flight...the tail evolved, instead, to compete for females.

Size matters for deer and elk too.   Antler size...the more robust the rack the more doze be diddled.

But what about Simians (apes, monkeys and of course, humans.)  Well, it's all about gargantuan gonads, folks.  Easy for gorillas and monkeys who walk around all day with their junk in full view.  But humans?

Ah ha!

That's where infidelity rears it's ugly head.  Males with big balls cheat; the theory being, how else would women get a good look and be willing to steam some undies?

So no need to track him down, ladies.  If he's packing, strap an ankle tracker on the wander-luster.  Or stay stuck sticking to an inseminater with tinier goodies and less risky impulse control dangling between his legs.

Woman Pushes Old Man Off Bus Gets Murder Charge

Las Vegas 25-year-old Cadesha Bishop was just charged with murder after pushing an old man off a city bus and killing him.

And the whole thing was caught on camera.

Police say Bishop was “yelling and cursing” at passengers on the bus when Serge Fournier, 74, asked her to “be nice.”

Bishop's response was to forcefully shove the old man off the bus and watch him crash to the pavement.  Fournier suffered head injuries and a “crushed hip.”

The Clark County Coroner determined Fournier died of “complications of blunt force torso injuries” and ruled his death a homicide.

Drunken Lawn Jockey Crashes Cop Car

Floridian Gary Anderson, 68, got loaded and got behind the wheel of his riding lawn mower and crashed it into a parked cop car.
 
The cop rushed out and confronted Anderson who quickly gave up and said “fuck it, I’m drunk, take me to jail.”

Once at the station, Anderson had a change of "fuck it, I'm..." and refused to take a breathalyzer test.  Worse, the drunken mower rider started ranting about the cops poisoning him.  

So he was re-piled into another cop car and taken to a hospital for a blood test.  You guessed it, the sot had a .241, three times the legal limit.  And as an added bonus, cocaine turned up too.

After Anderson finds $3,000 bucks for his bond and gets his mower out of impound, he is gonna get his day in court.  And he'd be ill-advised to repeat his, "fuck it, I'm guilty, take me to jail" wisecrack.   Not unless he's looking for extra jail time.

Parrot ‘Taken into Custody’ After Warning Drug Dealers of Raid

Federal police in Teresina, Brazil were about to bust two drug kingpins when a parrot inside the house screeched, “Mum, the Police!” in Portuguese.

Despite the bird's best efforts, the cops arrested the pair. Also seized were large quantities of heroin, weapons and cash.  Oh yea, and the officers also took the parrot into custody.

“So far it hasn’t made a sound … completely silent,” says local vet Alexandre Clark, who was brought in to interrogate the animal.  So the cops are transferring the feathered perp to a zoo where it will be taught to fly and be paroled back into the wild.

In 2008, cops captured two alligators following a raid in western Rio de Janeiro.  Apparently the drug barons fed their enemies to the animals.  So the man-eating reptiles had to be destroyed.

Drug trafficking is a major problem in Brazil and so apparently are the pets the traffickers train and keep.

Doctor Warns Women About Garlic

Dr. Jen Gunter, OBGYN warns women to stop cramming garlic into their hoo-hooz in a misguided attempt to squish yeast infections.

The good doctor says, "Garlic contains allicin, in the lab it may have anti-fungal (i.e. anti-yeast) properties. This is in a lab, not even in mice. Just a dish of cells. Your vagina is not a dish of cells."

She says she is tired of digging chunks of garlic out of her patients.  And hearing them complain they smell like an Italian eatery. 

So there you go girls.  Just say no to garlic and yes to the proper prescribed medications made to say bye-bye to the burn, okay?

Car Jacker Pays With A Body Full Of Bullets

Lamar Thurman, 29 climbed into a parked car in front of a house with the engine running and drove off.  A six-year-old boy was sitting in the back seat.

Dad heard the car screeching away.   He shoved a handgun in his belt laid chase in another vehicle.

Thurman quickly crashed and tried to rabbit on foot.  Dad first tended to the boy, turned and opened fire on the fleeing perp.  Thurman was hit multiple times, dropped to the ground.

Thurman was later hospitalized in critical condition.  The boy was shaken but not injured.

Muslim Cleric's Video Touts Wife Beating

The video shows Abd Al-Aziz Al-Khazraj demonstrating how to "punish" a woman in accordance with Islamic law.

“This is a painless beating that does not leave bruises or cause bleeding...some wives like domineering and authoritative husbands. By nature, they like violent and powerful husbands."

"With some women, admonishing them and refraining from sharing their beds won't help. The only thing that helps with such women is beating. She needs to feel that you are a real man. That's her nature."

Did you see what Muslim terrorists did to Christians worshiping at an Easter service in Sri Lanka today?  A death toll of 207 and over 400 maimed.

Odd how the world once eradicated such crazed behavior in Germany and Japan but today seems somehow impotent to deal with Islamic extremists in the same way.