CA DMV Rejects

The California DMV rejects “any personalized license plate configuration that [carries] connotations offensive to good taste and decency.”

Whose taste?  Whose decency?   Those civil servants at the agency with a GED an average IQ in the hamster range.

Recent rejects include:

• BEMYBAE (Bae means 'poop' in Swedish. You knew that, right?)
• CC8JWS (8 is 'hate' and JWS is 'Jews'  easy peasy.)
• ITSLIT (see it?  'SLIT' referring to a vagina? The wife says this all the time.)
• 420EDDI (c'mon dude, trying to roll 420 by us?)
• SCHLAFR (Schlafer is 'sleeper' in German. You know, a terrorist cell.)
• BMWHNTR (no way this Audi driver gets on our roads with this threat)
• ONW2BYB (censors got: 'on my way to bang you bitch'.  whew!)
• HUF4RTD (did you get 'who farted' right away?  I didn't.)
• DICKOUT (okay, maybe. the driver said it was his son moving out, finally)
• NO2KOCH ('no to cooch' say censors, but it's really 'no to cock' right?)
• DCKXTSN (you see 'dick extension' here?  censors did.)
• BLUEME (can only mean 'blew me' right? who are these censor guys?)
• MOBYCAT ('Moby dick' is certainly banned, but 'Moby pussy' too?)
• 808B8D (does this look like a text penis to you?  they say yea.)
• HOTNSXE (the driver was a middle aged woman, DENIED!)
• FUKTRMP (I thought everyone in CA thinks this...)
• GTNBSY (driver was working single mom...who's she trying to kid, right?)
• FSHBALL (no real reason, just can't say 'ball' folks.)
• GASPASR (driver an anesthesia nurse. censor asks 'are you gassy?')
• GAYMUR (like 'ball' has 'gay' in it)
• WELUVPS (driver? 'we love palm springs' censor? 'we love pussy')
• SHIKSA (not even Yiddish slurs are allowed)
• S8TAN (guess the Goths don't get to play either)

Still wanna take a shot at a personal plate?  Fuhgetaboutit, which was also rejected.

Heart Attack Toilet Seat

Inventors at the Rochester Institute of Technology in New York have prototyped a $2000 toilet seat that automatically detects a heart attack in the making and sends critical data to doctors via Wi-Fi.

The seat has sensors pressing against your ass that pickup signs when oxygen volume in your blood is low.  When blood pressure is high and when smaller amounts of blood are being pumped with each heartbeat the alarm is issued.

Heart failure isn't curable but it is treatable. If left untreated a weak heart can cause breathlessness, tiredness and dizziness.  And eventually death.

Pooping trials are now under way with 150 high-risk candidates.

Woman Dies From Five-Hour Sex Session

A 32-year-old woman, known as 'The Beast', collapsed after a five hour, drug-fueled, carnal-lympics with a crippling case of cardiac arrest.

Her sex partner called for an ambulance but it never arrived.  So he wrapped her in blankets, tossed her into a taxi and sped off to the University Hospital of Valle in Cali, Columbia.

Despite heroic efforts to revive her, doctors pronounced her dead as she lay on the table.

The cops questioned the man and learned of the mutual participation in the horrendous, multi-hour wanton marathon.  And released him back into the wild.

'The Beast' did set the bar, however.  Limit lust time to something less than five hours and you should be good to go.  And oh yea, have an adrenaline filled cardiac needle near the bed, you know, just in case.

Court Rules Victim Too Ugly To Be Raped

Italy’s Justice Ministry ordered a new hearing after an all female appeals court panel overturned a rape verdict characterizing the victim female as too masculine and ugly to be a credible rape victim.

The Peruvian woman, who was allegedly raped by two Peruvian males, has since returned to Peru. Her attackers apparently inflicted genital trauma during the attack so severe that she required stitches and a lengthy bed rest.

Small riots broke out in front of the court house. 

Opium-Addicted Parrots Raid Poppy Fields

Neemuch is a town in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh where the main cash crop is opium poppies.

"One poppy makes 20-25 grams of opium. The parrots feed on the plants 30-40 times a day. Wiping out our profits," Neemuch farmers complain.

The hopped up parrots can strike at anytime.  So cultivators are forced to guard their fields day and night.  "We make loud sounds and use firecrackers. But nothing helps."

Anyone feel sorry for the strung-out parrots or the pukes growing the poppies?

Tranny Wins Track Championship

Transgender teen Andraya Yearwood almost topped the field in the Connecticut state girls track and field championships.

But there were two other transgender teens competing and they took the top spots, trouncing the other actual females who stood none to zero chance of winning.

Gay tennis legend Martina Navratilova recently a wrote an op-ed piece railing against transgender athletes saying biological men competing with women is “insane” and “cheating.”

Navratilova was immediately attacked by Athlete Ally whose "mission is to end the rampant homophobia and transphobia in sport and to activate the athletic community to exercise their leadership to champion LGBTQ equality."

The pub says Navratilova is “transphobic” and “has been removed from our Advisory Board and as an Athlete Ally Ambassador, effective immediately.”

Lesbians At High Risk Of Obesity

A study at the University of East Anglia’s Norwich Medical School involving nearly 100,000 gay men and women focused on BMI (fat index) to see if a correlation exists between weight and sexual identity.

Researchers found women who identify as lesbian or bisexual are at hyper risk to become overweight or obese, compared to heterosexual women.

However, and oddly conversely, gay and bisexual men are more likely than heterosexual men to be underweight.   Either direction is considered unhealthy.

The assumed culprit?  The school says stressors like homophobia and heterosexism (whatever that is) push gays into either a frenzy of feasting or a drought of drink and larder.

Dare we add these dangers to all the other land mines gays are saddled with (teaser on a future story on gay land mines)....

Medical Doctors Endangered

Forty-four percent of MDs surveyed this year said they were depressed, feel long-term, unresolvable job stress, detachment and burnout. 

One MD a day ends their own life — the highest suicide rate of any profession.

In 2014, Dr. Hawkins Mecham was putting in 100 hours a week.  Everything was coming apart, including his marriage. “And then I just snapped,” the 33-year-old says.

Mecham slit his wrists in a motel room, losing so much blood he passed out.  When he woke up he wrapped bandages on his wrists and drove to an ER.

Nearly two-thirds of MDs are pessimistic about the future of the medical profession.

Forty-six percent plan to change career paths. Seventeen percent are retiring.  And twelve percent want to find a job where they don't have to deal with patients.

Finally, over half say they don't want medicine as a career for their kids.

Good Cops Bad Cops, Really Bad Cops

Johnny Wheatcroft was a passenger in the Ford Taurus his wife was driving when two Glendale cops stopped them for a turn signal violation.

Minutes later body cams recorded Wheatcroft handcuffed lying face down and tased 10 times.

But wait, there's more.

Wheatcroft was still moving, so officer Matt Schnieder started to kick him in the groin, yanked his shorts down and tased him a final time in his testicles.

The ordeal was witnessed by the pair's 11- and 6-year-old sons.

Independent law enforcement experts have since assessed the officers’ conduct was unlawful, potentially criminal, and one of the most cruel and troubling cases of police misconduct they’ve ever seen. 

Monkey Kidnaps Two-Year-Old

Apparently monkeys in India like to snatch human infants.  Some say they want a playmate.  Some say they're species confused.

In Haryana, India a monkey took a toddler and refused to release the kid despite being confronted by several bystanders.

Seemingly innocent, the situation has led to tragedy for others.

A newborn was found at the bottom of a well in Odisha last year. 

The baby slipped out of the hands of the simian as it stood over the well.  The infant drowned.

Age Six Sets Adult Income

A 30-year study concludes young anti-social boys will earn less as adults.

Grade school teachers in Montreal rated 920 6-year-old boys according to quantified levels of inattention, hyperactivity, defiant behavior, aggression and empathy.

Thirty-years later the tax returns of the 36-year-old men were matched against the old scores.

Hyperactivity and abhorrent psychosocial tendencies lead to lower incomes.  And those are the boys that didn't end up in prison!

So if you want your kids to do well later make sure they draw inside the lines, don't kick a another kid in the crotch, and do what the damn teacher says...conformity and playing nice is everything, even in Kindergarten!

And The Dumbest Oxy Thief Award Goes To...

Petty thief Peter Hans Emery, 56, cased a prescription “lock box” at a Pinellas Park, Fl home for weeks.

Peter was eventually captured on video cracking open the pill bottle inside the box labeled “Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen,” pouring all the pills out, and leaving in great haste.

The problem?  The bottle actually contained Equate Gentle Laxative pills.  Instead of an intense oxy high, this drug promises “predictable overnight relief” from constipation.

By the time the cops caught up with Emery he was found in a curled fetal position immobilized on a shit-stained mattress begging for death.

Emery had priors getting him 28 months in state prison for offenses like burglary, cocaine possession, forgery, grand theft, resisting arrest, and auto theft.   Anyone wanna bet he doesn't share his last arrest with other inmates this time around?

Bingo Battle Breaks-Out At Nursing Home

The cops admitted they've never had a call like the one that took them to the long-term care facility in Rideau Lakes, Ontario.

Two women — aged 79 and 86 — allegedly each grabbed and demanded to sit in the same seat. 

The pushing started slowly and then escalated to include other residents who also slowly took sides and started swinging.

Remember, nothing happens quickly in a long-term care facility.   Especially when the melee involves a bunch of 'should know better' eighty-plus year olds.

Apparently only egos were bruised and the bingo game wrapped-up just after the cops left the premises.  But the damage was done.  Not even more chairs will fix it this time, sadly.

Son Shoots And Kills Home Invasion Pair

Alvin Smalls, 20 and Amir Rashad Lynn, 18 picked the wrong house to invade and the wrong woman to threaten with a gun.

The two broke into a home in Brevard County, Fl and held a woman at gunpoint.  The woman's son, awakened by the violence, got his gun and shot the suspects.

Smalls died on the spot.  Lynn fled and made it to a nearby hospital and later died in the ER.

Brevard County Sheriff’s Office says the shooting appears to be a case of self-defense.

50,000,000,000 Pounds Of Spiders

The combined weight of all living spiders on Earth is 25 million tons or 50,000,000,000 pounds.  That's 1 million spiders per acre.

You have good reason to fear spiders.

If all these spiders decided people were a food source, homo-sapiens would become extinct in a single year. 

Why?  Because each spider eats 10% of their body weight each day requiring 400–800 million tons of prey annually.

The total biomass of all humans is 287 million tons. Not enough to satisfy the annual harvest spiders require to keep their present numbers going.

Oh, how many spiders needed to devour a 200-pound adult male?  About 2000.

Beer Metaphor Explains Tax System

The nation's highest taxes are levied in big blue states California, Illinois and New York.

Now New York is facing an exodus of their tax base and a $2.3 billion budget shortfall.  So does NY Gov. Andy Cuomo reduce taxes, spending and balance a budget? No. Cuomo  blames Trump, of course.

So how do Democrats sell tax and spend giveaways?

Play the video and pass it on, it's worth it's weight in tax-ripoff gold.

How Much Beef Can You Eat In One Hour?

The Big Texan Steak Ranch restaurant in Amarillo created the famous 72 oz. steak, nicknamed "The Texas King." 

Starting in 1960 a cowboy eating contest set the bar at the eatery.  If you can suck down the giant steak, a bread roll with butter, a baked potato, shrimp cocktail, and a salad in an hour or less - the meal is free.   If ya fail, ya gotta cough up $72.

As of February 2018, 62,000 have humiliated themselves attempting the over-eating feat.  Still an astonishing 9,500 ate it all and went home with a free meal and a whole night of sweating and pooping.

Who's the top steak eating dog?

Joey Chestnut took 8 minutes and 52 seconds to break Frank Pastore's 1987 record of 9 minutes 30 seconds.

Then in 2018 along came Molly Schuyler, weighing in at 124 pounds.  The maven ate not one, not two but THREE 72 oz. steak dinners in 20 minutes fat, uh I mean flat.

But wait.  Only humans can play? In 1999 a 500lb Siberian tiger inhaled the food in 90 seconds.  But the beast was quickly bested by a lioness in 2012 who vaporized the meal in 80 seconds.

We'll end here....for now.

Woman Banned From Walmart For Drunk Cart Driving

Slow news day folks.  So let's do a Walmart shopper story...where the bizarre-o world meets the retail world and never fails to get a laugh.

The cops in Wichita Falls Texas were summoned at 6:30AM to a Walmart.  A woman was driving an electric cart erratically around the parking lot.

After a brief search, the cops confronted her in a nearby cafe where she confessed to drinking wine from a Pringles potato chip can while nearly falling off the electric cart trying to find her car.

The woman escaped a DUI because she was not caught on the cart or in her car  But she didn't escape a lifetime ban from Walmart.  The Pringles company hasn't handed down their final verdict yet.

Human Composting Legalized

Few states are crazier than loony-tunes California.

For example, in the cuckoo state, your dog must not chase a bear or bobcat.  You are prohibited from blocking sunshine from shining on anyone.  You can't shoot at anything from a moving car unless it's a whale. And no pets are allowed to have sex within 1500 feet of a bar, school or church.

But don't let Washington State stay left out.  They're gonna allow dead bodies to be composted.  That's right. Unembalmed dead relatives will be left to decompose in a chamber piled high with organic material like woodchips or straw. In a month, presto; out comes a cubic yard of compost. 

The crap is then bagged up and handed back the family.  Where hopefully it gets spread in THEIR backyard and not on a crop anyone else has to eat.  Scary huh?

Steering Wheel Stops Drunk Driver

A drunken California driver tried to sneak back into a Cathedral City gated community on New Years Eve to evade arrest.

As he leaned over to enter the gate code the hapless future felon fell out of his pickup-truck (left) and was later found dangling outside the door with a foot caught in the steering wheel.  Immobilized.

The fire department sawed-off the steering wheel so the California CHP could arrest and haul him and his steering wheel off to jail.

The unidentified goof is charged with suspicion of drunk driving and hit-and-run.